THE STORY OF A RAPE VICTIM

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MY THOUGHTS AND MORE

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I went through a lot of different emotions and stages so far.

And when I look back, some of them seem totally out of place, even to me.

But this is a long process, and along the way you will experience emotions, which can change in a heartbeat.

 

After I had fulfilled all the tasks that came with reporting the crime I took a break to think.

In the beginning I even felt sorry for the guy, which later seemed completely out of place, for a little time. I was not sure if he really knew what he had done. And I thought about his son, who I knew of, right away. I was thinking that it was not the child’s fault, that he had a dad like that. I felt even bad, considering that he might go to jail and the son would not have his father around. Those thoughts kicked in at the hospital for the first time, I believe….

I imagined how police would go to the guy’s house and how he would react. When I found out that the guy was married I asked myself: how must his wife feel? I seemed to be concerned about everybody else but myself in the beginning.

I constantly tried to recall what happened and if I had sent out some wrong signals! I kept questioning myself and doubting myself. I blamed myself and felt ashamed.

 

But it took not too long for me to get my head somewhat clear. I seeked counseling, and gathered information about the topic. I educated myself and learned a lot.

 

I soon understood that there was no need to feel sorry and concerned about anyone but my husband and me. But the feelings about his wife and kid remained for a long time.

 

The more I thought about it the more the picture became clearer. I learned that that person had lied about a number of things to gain my trust. I learned he had put on a show to make me think he was nice.

I learned that little signs could have warned me, but I never paid attention like that; because it was not important to me at that point. I knew there was a line, which I never wanted to cross, so I never kept asking. It simply did not matter like that. And I made that very clear.

I also learned that it does not matter how clear you make what you want and do not want! If the other person does not respect that it does not make a difference.

I learned that talking so loving about my husband made him even more attracted to me.

And I learned that his wife was actually pregnant again at that time.

 

Afterwards I knew so much more, as you can see. But there was no way that I could have known before. I could have paid some more attention, but who expects something like that to happen? I did not.

 

If someone does not accept “no”, even for the smallest reason, and keeps bugging you-please, be careful! That person would call me, bugging to see me, keeping on asking for just a few minutes of my time. Just to say hello in the parking lot in front of my or his job. He would not let go; he would call back and back trying to see me, not accepting my “no” for an answer. I did not think anything bad about it. Sure it was annoying at times…but who was not annoyed by the other sex before in their lives?

Please, be careful!

It happens so much more than you think; especially in the warm months of the year.

 

I learned through counseling, that I was not raped – he raped me! There should not even be any association to me in that statement. Because I did nothing wrong. He made that decision by himself! And the moment that man stepped into my house it was too late.

 

It was not random; it was not innocent. It was based on a fake picture he had drawn of himself. It was based on some work and planning ahead. It was a crime that took place in his head before he did it. And there was nothing I could have done about it.

 

I know that now, but it took a lot of work!

 

I no longer feel guilty or ashamed! I no longer am concerned about what will happen to him or how he feels. I will try to forgive and move on. I do not want to carry hatred in my heart. I take my energy to be there for my husband (who deserves it so much!) and myself. I make time for us, so we can be happy.

 

Worry about yourself first, so you feel good! Do not worry about the rest right now!

DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU!!!!

(...5th of june 2004)

 

And again…here I am.

My nights seem to be getting shorter and shorter. I cannot sleep. And while I lay awake I have all those thoughts crossing my mind. I am constantly thinking about what would happen if I was dead. Would it hurt? What comes after? I am not scared. But I feel it would be selfish. It would hurt the people who love me. But maybe they would be better off without me? Do they really need me? I do not know….

I really keep asking myself what this is all good for. The daily struggle seems to be good for nothing; trying to fight for justice is not fulfilling neither. Especially when you come to realize that the so-called “justice-system” has plenty of rules that are not good for anything –especially not for serving justice! Because in the end you went through all this for nothing!

People treat you like you are the criminal. They make you look bad and put words in your mouth. Other people just decide to lie – not realizing it makes them guilty as well.

All these months of an emotional roller coaster are not good for anything. In the end you will sit in the front of a jury and justice lies in their hands. Their background, their lives, their experiences are supposed to be enough to judge about right or wrong. So basically it is nothing but gambling. And if the criminal has a good attorney you might as well just surrender. Great- long live America- the land of the free…the free criminals, the free crazy, the free liars. Really good! Long live justice. Sorry for being so negative, but I just do not have anything left right now!

Of course I understand that people have to form some kind of rules. But I can tell you in case of sexual assault they are more in favor of the criminal. And probably in other cases too. It hurts!

How to prove an emotional crime under conditions like “beyond any reasonable doubt”? If I was shot it might have been a little easier. The only difference is that the weapon in this case was the genital. But it does not seem to be registered with those people.

And than they say rape is one of the least reported crimes….- well…

Of course it is! Because you as a victim have to go through so much pain just to see the predator to walk off in the end in many cases. The frustration is just unbearable. I do not want this anymore! I really do not!

People who have not been through this cannot understand, bottom line!

They do not see how it hurts and changes everything. It slowly eats up your soul! The little peace that you tried to hold on to when that man took every little piece of your life slowly slips away through the process. What are the options I am left with? I will have to see…

(...6th of june...)

Today is another day. Another day full of confusion, decision-making, frustration and fear.

Another day.

There are so many decisions to be made this weekend that I really do not know where to start the process of thinking.

I am tired.

I am tired of many things right now. I want justice, but I feel like there is not much energy left inside of me. The urge to keep going is very strong. But I am afraid of getting hurt. I am afraid of my husband getting hurt. And I am afraid of losing myself completely – but sometimes I think I already have done so.

I just want to go back to the way things were….me being the way I used to be (maybe less nice or na´ve or something!). I guess when I say I want to go back to the way I was I mean the way I felt. I felt happy, carefree and optimistic. I felt like I was strong and nothing could change that….sure, I had some issues, sure I did some mistakes…but does not everybody? I felt good. I felt good about learning, developing and growing. Now I feel terribly lost, stuck and sad. The frustration does not seem to go away. But I know I have to go through this. I have no idea why though….i feel like I really should not be here. But I do not have the time to feel sorry for myself. I have to walk up tall and even if justice will not be served by the system, I have to believe that god will take care of it. I cannot just let it go. Because my whole life has changed. Nothing is the same anymore. I think nobody who has not been there really knows what I mean. I feel mistreated from a lot of people. I do not trust anybody and I do not trust my own judgment anymore. I am disgusted by the behavior that a lot of people show, especially men. And I am hurt by the way people act. And I look behind me all the time. I cannot sleep. I cannot share the love I want to share with my very dearest person. Do you have any idea what that feels like? Wanting to make love to somebody you love so much but not being able to? And if you do, you feel like it is that person again! You project it on the one person you trust with your life! It hurts!!!!!! IT IS SO HURTFUL!!!! And there is nothing, nothing I can do. All I can do is work on it. And try to understand why the system is the way it is. Letting people just walk off after they changed somebody’s life like that. It is just not right! It is not fair! But I think I have to try! I have to try- for justice, hope, my relationship and myself; and if it is to safe only one more person from this. It will be worth it! This cannot just have happened for nothing!

So many people tell me it happened to them before…but nobody spoke up. It is so sad. But looking at it now I can understand anyone who does not want to report it; and anyone who takes it back. Because you are treated like a criminal, treated like you are the bad one, the slut, the whore, the cheap one, and the menace. You are treated like you are not worth anything and your personal life gets ripped apart, into pieces. For what? For nothing. Because the chances of a actual conviction are extremely small in this society. Especially when you did not get hurt physically. But nobody knows how deep the emotional pain goes. And how it changes everything! And how can you prove that? How can you convince 12 people that you are telling the truth beyond any reasonable doubt, when all you have is yourself? Yourself trying to stand the attack of the defense attorney, the attack of people lying, and the attack of having to live trough it again.

It is not right and not fair. But I guess that is the way it is. I am feeling gray….

 

“Dear Lord, I pray to you that you give us strength! I pray to you, that you provide my husband and me with the strength and power we need to get through these rough times. Please help us, to keep our minds clear and our hearts together! Help us, so this will make us even stronger! Provide us with wisdom, hope, and most of all faith! Take us by the hand and lead us into better times. We know, that everything happens for a reason, but right now it is hard to see. But I know you have a plan for it all! I am asking you to carry us and comfort us, your children! Help my husband; oh lord, to stay strong and faithful. Help the jury and attorneys to be respectful enough to treat my husband and me right, dear lord! Please, dear heavenly father, give the people sense so they will see the truth! Help Jamie and tiffany to be truthful, dear lord! Help them to be strong and honest and not telling lies about me, no matter under what pressure they are, dear lord! Safe us, dear lord, and all the people that are involved. Forgive us our sins and help us on our way. We are your children, and we believe in your guidance! THANK YOU, oh heavenly father, for YOU ARE GOOD! Amen”

 

I lay down to go to sleep.
 
 
 

(...7th july 2004..)

 

To the perpetrator,

 

You may have taken a lot from me. You may have intruded my personal space like no one ever has before. You may have taken my body without respecting me saying no. You may have changed my whole life. But I will not break down under the pressure. I will change the negative into something positive. I will turn it around and grow, reach another, higher level. I will not let you control my life any longer. I will be strong and will take control myself.

 

I do not think that you have any idea how much impact this had on me. But I do know, that you know what you did! I do know that you are and were aware of committing a crime. I do know that this will hunt you. You knew, how much I love my husband! That is why you thought I would not speak up, because I would be afraid to lose him! Because you thought, I might be scared he would not believe the truth. You felt safe. But what you did not know is how much my husband loves me!!! You did not know that my husband and me would be strong enough to go through this, and that there was no way that I would not tell him what had happened! You did not know, that my husband and me are one, and we love each other in way you might have never experienced love. Through all the pain we will grow from this, it will make us stronger. But it will hunt you.

 

If you only knew, the powers of a deed like this. If you only knew, how deep my pain goes and how many people broke down under the anger against you, how many people got hurt and cried. If you only knew, how much medication I had and have to take to be able to live a “normal” life. If you knew about my nightmares and how little sleep I get, even with the medication, because the nightmares will not go away! If you only knew how my schedule looks like, running from on counselor to the other and from one doctor to the other. If you only knew how my loved ones and me were suffering…

Maybe you would understand if you imagined your wife, your sister or child would have to go through this! Maybe than you would understand how big this really is. But you might just never understand.

 

I wish the world were different, and less evil! I wish justice would be what it promises to be. But I understand that there is one thing in this world I can rely on. And that is God. I have God on my side. And I trust in God more than I ever did before.

 

It is not easy for me to say at this point and time, but I do hope, that one day you will confess to God. I hope you will find him one day. Because there is nobody else who can safe you, only you with God’s help.

 

I cannot forgive you at this point and time. The wounds are too fresh, the pain to strong.

But I pray that I will be able to, one day.  And I pray that you will not do this to anybody else! Because you have not the right to hurt a person like that! You have not the right to overpower someone, take advantage of them, just take their most precious personal thing, disrespect them and tell lies. You have NO right, to interfere in anybody’s life like that. And you have no right to treat your family like that and put them in a situation like this.

You need to pray. I am.
 

 

18th of August 2004
 
So often I lay in bed still thinking about what happened. I keep asking myself many questions. I see the guy who did this to me and I wonder how he can enjoy his life like that. I wonder if he ever thinks about how much he hurt me. And i wonder if he will ever be a better person. I wonder what he told his wife, and I hope she is ok and knows what happened - the truth! I wonder what would make her stay with him...
She was pregnant when he assaulted me.
I do not know what to say...
I pray to God that he keeps the anger away from me.
On some days the frustration just takes over. It feels like a big bubble in my chest and it keeps expending and expending - I pray so it won't burst. It upsets me, that I have bad thoughts, because I am not a aggressive person, I am not a mean person...But he put those negative thoughts in my head. He still has some control. I am disgusted by him! I hate this!
So I pray, I pray for comfort and strenght and I try to think about something positiv before I go to sleep. Often it is hard!
Sometimes I feel like hitting the wall....or just scream out really, really loud! But I know it will not get better like this. I know I have to pull myself together.
We will relocate soon and I really put my hopes on that! I truley hope changing the environment will help forget faster...
 
I pray!
 
I tell you, this is not easy. It is faaaaar from easy. This is really, really hard. It is the hardest thing I ever had to deal with! I hope it will get better...I need it to get better and I will try my best to get better!!!

 
 
 
 

4th of September 2004

 

I am getting ready to leave this place. Only a few more days and we will be moved out of here. I can not wait to be away. I can not wait to be able to leave the house without being scared of running into that person. I hope I will be able to start over again, without fear and insecurity. I have changed a lot and so have my relationships to friends and family.

Sadly I catch myself often being short-wired. My impatience is even worse now and my trust is very hard to gain.

My nightmares are back, and trust me – they are back BAD!

I feel like I am suffocating in my dreams, I feel like something bad is creeping in my room and I am surrounded by a negative, dark spirit. I try to fight it off and sometimes it is very hard, but so far I have been winning. It is really hard to explain but I actually stop breathing when I dream. I wake up because I have to breathe again. I wake up shaking and sweating and I try to wake up my husband but the words won’t come out of my mouth. I am completely stiff. It is terrible. It really wears me out because it can take between 3-4 hours until I am finally tired enough to just pass out.

I really hope things will get better once we leave. I will try to find some good counseling at our destination. And start a new life. But my experience will always be with me and I can not change that. But I can do my best to control my fears and insecurities.

I will do my very best.

It was a long and rough road to get this far. But there has been progress. I do not feel suicidal that often anymore. Thoughts still pop up but it is not as real as it was in the beginning. And the thoughts are not that often anymore. I feel better but still not good enough. I have to gather much more strength before I can say I am fine. But I will be fine! And I am working on it!

Wish me good luck in our new home!

God bless you
 
 

Oct 13 2004

 

It is nighttime and I should sleep. But I have been sleepless the last few weeks. It seems things are hunting me. I thought getting away would help more.

I miss my friends, they made me smile! But it feels good not to see all the people reminding me of what happened. The days got a little better since we left. But a lot in me has changed. I realize how my self-esteem suffered. I feel unattractive and grey. It makes me cry to think about it because I would never let things like that disturb me! I was so strong and secure. The other day I realized I cut every single man in knew before out if my life. I mistrust them in general. I do not even want to talk to my own father. But I feel it is best like that. At least right now.

A lot has changed. I thought it would get better though. But I realize the more time goes by the more things that changed become obvious. It starts with changing the smallest likes and dislikes to not being able to trust anyone or feeling good about myself.

Thoughts of suicide still cross my mind and I have a hard time being alone.

I probably should go back to counseling but it aggravates me to even have to do that! U wants to try it by myself, without all that medication and seeing people counseling me. I often feel it is the wrong decision to make- but I get so tired of thinking about it and right now I just want it to go away.

I wish it would just disappear out of my memory.

I had in mind to help people through my experience; I wanted to hold classes or seminars about prevention, awareness and where to get help. I planned to share my experience to give victims and potential victims my point of view. And for some time I seemed quiet strong and able, but I just never found the strength I needed. I really hope it will get better, and I am working on it. So far I already helped a few people with this page. But it just does not seem enough!

The world needs to know how the numbers are. People need to know how big of a problem rape really is and how many victims never press charges! They need to learn how to deal with victims and how to prevent being one!

Rapists need to know this world is not a place you can commit such a crime and just walk away. They need to be investigated and punished harder! As long as they feel safe we are not!

 

 

 

 

 

 

14 Oct 2004

 

My life truly changed completely. Insecurity, depression, frustration, fear, doubt and helplessness are now words ruling my life. But I am working on it!

And I really hope being away can help speeding up this long process! I guess time will tell!

 

I come to understand that a part of me died.

This event caused a permanent loss in my life and I am griefing over what I lost!

During the process of coping I understand feeling sorry for myself does not help. But I have to live with a new me. And try to find a way to joy.

It is like learning to walk all over again – only this time I have to learn to live!

 

(more coming soon...still under construction)

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16 Nov 2004

 

 

I finally settled in the new place, at least everything has his place now.

Emotionally I am still not really calm. My husband had to go away on business for a while and it was really terrible. I was extremely scared and a lot of tiny things just freaked me out. I locked each single door in the house and laid awake until the morning hours. But I made it! I got through it!

Now that he is back I feel much safer, but at least I know I can handle it for a few days.

 

We have another appointment with a counselor tomorrow and I really am excited about it. I feel the social worker is really great. He seems not scared to ask personal questions and like that my husband and I are getting a chance to share our deepest feelings and fears without being pushed to hard.

 

I have been talking to some young people online who went through similar things. Actually, I have this new friend of mine who has been struggling for over two years. She is only a teenager and was raped very young. She did not tell anyone but her best friend and it complicated their friendship a lot. I remember when we first started writing she was so negative, suicidal, depressed and frustrated. Now, after a couple of months, she seems so much better. She told me her and her friend are getting along well, she got better in school and she is trying really hard to keep her head up high! I have only known her for such a short time, but I am so proud of her! She is so strong and kept her heart at the right place! She inspires me. I am about eight years older and I feel it can be so hard at times!

I know it is hard no matter what age you are…but I think it is remarkable when such a young soul can work through such trauma. It makes me want to try even harder! Thank you for your strength, my friend and thank you for giving me the opportunity to heal by helping you!!!

 

 

 

16 nov 2004

 

To the predator

 

Just so you know, I am strong!

8 december 2004

 

Just last week my goals have changed.

I am going to be a MOM!!!! And I know I will do a good job. I will put all my energy in the little miracle!

What I learned from this experience so far is to do what’s right for me! From now on I will only do what feels right to me. I will cherish what I have and I will take the very best care of it! Nothing and nobody will be able to stand in my way. If I believe a person is a hazard I will cut them lose. Whatever feels right to me is what counts now! And that is good for me, the baby and my husband.  I know some people might get hurt along the way, and I know it will be REEAALLLY hard at times. But it is what I need to do for us.

Yes, I will be so tired and worn out once the baby is here. But this time it will be because of sleepless nights due to the baby….not because I am thinking about what happened. And I cannot wait! I am a little nervous of the big change, but my husband is so big-hearted and we are so excited that I am sure we will be just fine!

 

You should live your life like everyday is your first day! You should do what feels right to you and trust in your intuition! Take a minute and breathe! Take some time to look around and see the beauty in things! I know it is hard, especially when you have bad thoughts….but the more you do it the easier it will get!

Do not do things you do not want to do! Do not let anybody make you feel bad because you said NO – no matter about what!

You are an individual who has the right to make her own decisions! And if you said NO- NO it is!

Do not let anybody believe that is wrong! You have to live for yourself and have to live with yourself first!

 

You are a beautiful person, inside and out! Do not ever believe anything else!

 

 
section of a letter written to a friend on march 2nd 2005:
 
"...the thoughts i have are very specific. i think about things i said in court and things i should not have said or should have said. i think about his face, how his skin felt and how he tricked me into thinking he was a friend. i think about all the lies he told and i think about how naive i was, or just not worried. i get really mad about the other people who were involved and were not truthful in court. and i wonder what i could have done different. i think i still blame myself for it too, at times. but i know that i did not want it, and i know that he should have went to jail. i wonder how he lives now, and sometimes i think about what i could do so he knows how it hurt me. i wonder how he lives with himself, and if he regrets at all what he did. i feel very unsettled and hurt. and i feel like it is unfinished business. i feel like he should apologize! but in the end, if he did...it would not change a thing probably. i dont know, i guess i want to see the pain of guilt in his eyes. but in the end it would not change much. so i try to keep myself positiv and i keep telling myself i did what i could do. then again i doubt i did enough sometimes. it just really sucks!
when i do not think specifically about the things he did to me that night i think about court. you know, there are many moments that night i really do not remember. and i did not from the beginning. many minutes and moments are kind of skipped in my mind, i think it has much to do with the condition i was in, or maybe it is my body protecting me by forgetting...i dont know...but when i went to the police they kind of make you remember every single thing!!!! and i think sometimes your mind just connects two things because the pressure is so high. i know that now. when i was at the police i was very calm. but i felt stupid for being drunk and i felt ashamed to say so. i was afraid to say so because i was afraid they would say its my own fault.
and i know i made wrong decisions but i never wanted this!!! now i sit here and i think about the things i said and i wonder if i told the police detailed enough how my condition was. and i wonder if they filled those moments or if i did. it is really weird. i know i did not make up anything, i know i was truthful from the beginning (but maybe that was the mistake..i dont know). i trusted that right would be done, i believed that justice would be served, because i was being honest, even about my bad decisions.... but in the end i wonder if i should have waited for someone to come with me. i wonder, if should have had a professional around....i wonder if i was taken seriously and if in the mix and pressure of everything gaps got filled up somehow and made me look stupid or dishonest! i have a hard time with that.
 
well, you see. there is still a lot on my mind. it has been exactly one year and my mind still wonders, asks and doubts.
all i know is that the system did not work for me. justice was not served. but who knew if that would have helped me...maybe not, maybe it would have?!?!?
 
i am not scared of him coming back. if he was to come back i would tell myself (at least i would try) to fight till the end. even if it meant to die. but i believe my rage would be so strong this time that i would "pull out his guts with my bare hands"....kind of like that, you know. i believe i would not feel the pain, just like i was numb when he did it. i imagine that he could cut me and all i would feel is rage, no pain. and i would fight back till he would not move anymore! i am not scared. i am not scared because he killed me once and i got back up. if he was to try again i would not be willing to go through that again. i rather would die trying to stop him!..."
 

5th March 2006
My name is Jessica, I'm 20 years old and on April 16th 2005 I was sexually assualted and raped at a house party. 
I was very intoxicated and he carried me to his bedroom.  Then he began kissing and groping me.  He tried to force me to give him oral sex and then took a small club or bat of some sort and proceeded to penetrate me repeatedly...I was hysterical..screaming, crying, and begging for him to stop.  I tried to push him off but he was strong and overpowered me a great deal. From the alcohol and trauma I passed out off and on throughout the assault.  Upon waking up the final time I was in excruciating pain and saw that he was using an empty corona bottle to penetrate me.  I was able to push him off of me at this point and ran to my car,locked the doors, and went home.  I don't remember drive home...the next thing I knew I waking up in my bed in horrible pain. I went to the bathroom and noticed there was blood all over my panties and jeans.  I ran upstairs to tell my mom and collapsed infront of her.  As I was telling her the phone rang, it was my attacker. He had my cell phone and called to "check on me!!!" We went to the hospital and had the rape kit done and the police met me there.  Later they took me to the station for the details. To this day nothing was done.  I have now moved to another state and have talked to police here, who say the police didn't follow any of the correct proceedures.  Since the incident I haven't tried to deal with the pain, instead I try to act like it didn't happen, but I can't. I think about it every day and today I decided to start my healing process.  Thank you for your website.  It's nice having someone out there who understands what its like to be violated and who is committed to helping others who have shared similar experiences.

Dear Jessica,
I am so sorry to hear what you had to go through! It is such a terrible thing! I am glad you did o to the police, but I know it can be hard and frustrating..the police made me feel guilty and tried to make me say things that were no true...and in the end I felt they did...and that they handeled it wrong. I believe if they would have taken it more seriously the guy could have been convicted! And in your case it is even more obviously with being hurt physically.
I am so sorry, but I am sure you have heard that a lot! Are you getting counseling? I know I needed it and there are still bad days. I think i definitly would have killed myself if it was not for my conseling and medication and support. I thought of killing mysself so often, and I am not even a person like that. I hope you are doing better. And I hope you are not thinking of hurting yourself. I have talked to a lot of girls and many of them cut themselves or want to die. I truley hope you are doing well. Let me know if you want to talk or if there is anything I can do. I would love to help.
My husband and I moved to germany with the military but now they are sending us back and I am afraid of bumping into that person again....I am glad you got out of there. Take good care of yourself, Jessica. And never forget that you are a wonderful person. What happened was all HIM. It is NOT YOUR FAULT!
Write me more, if you like.
 
XOXO K
 

9th May 06
 
It has been a while now since I last wrote. Not much has changed though. Even though things do get better with time, the memories do come back. I have been talking to a wonderful woman who read my page, and it feels good to know that I can help. But I have to say that talking about it also brings it back more intensely. But it is part of the process of healing and I am pretty positive about being 100% fine one day.
Right now I enjoy being a Mama to our son. But anxiety attacks do happen and sleep has not been good at all. We are moving back to the US and for some reason it has me nervous. Furthermore we will be in the city were it happened for a few days to visit family...and that really does not help either. But I am certain as our family settles in and we are reassured that the predator has not moved were we are moving ( I know the US is huge, and it is very unlikely, but somehow I just need to be 100% sure ), everything will be fine. Once I start working again I will be more busy, too. So let's hope this page will continue to help vicitms and I will receive plenty of more e-mails. Take care for now and stay strong!!!
 
Love, K

12 Aug 06
 
OK, we are back stateside now and settled into our our new little home. I have not been getting much sleep at all...falling asleep is the hardest and often I have terrible nightmares that make me jump out of bed, and cry, and more crazy things...it is not even funny. Anyways, I made a doctors appointment about my sleeping issues for today...but I canceled. Honestly, I do not feel like telling my whole story again, and usually they just tell me I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), give me some sleeping pills and send me home. I do not want pills and I do not want to do counseling again at this point. I found myself a little part-time job and I hope it will help me in many ways...I start on monday! And than there is my beautiful son! So I am trying to pull through this by myself again - wish me luck (-:
Till next time

28 Feb 2007
 
Hello everybody, thank you for coming to visit my page. I just wanted to give you a little update. Well, I am doing ok.
I still think about the rape almost everyday but it has become a part of my life. To this day I still think about WHY and HOW and question myself sometimes. Worse are the nights when my thoughts are free and deep. But I am handling it much better now. I have it under control and as weird as it sounds, even though it is still there, it really does not kill me anymore. My common sense always comes back and helps me to evaluate who I am and where I am in life. I know in my heart I am not a bad person, I know that he is sick. I am aware of the numbers and facts, so in the end I am good. God is good. I am fine. And I continue to pass on my knowledge about the experience. I read your guys' stories and it makes me cry. It brakes my heart to read the details, but I know if I can be ok with this, you can be ok with it. It might sound far away now, but it is true. It will take lots of time maybe, maybe it will not. But you will get there. I promise, just help yourself and be proud of who you are. And who knows, maybe in 5 years I will be able to say that I do not think about it that much anymore. I am staying positive. And on those days I am down and just pick myself up. It is the only way to do it! I love you guys! Stay strong.

6 May 2007
 
I am fine, everything is fine. I came to the realization that I am who is in charge of my life. Not that I did not know that before, but it just hit me hard now. I enjoy life. I pay attention to detail more and make myself happy. I started working for a great company and work with great people. I feel good and I know you can too! Embrace each moment of your life, you might have changed but come time you might realize you are even stronger now. Love always, K

12th Feb 2008
 
Here I am...a lot has happened. I am sad to say that my marriage fell apart. I moved out and now it is just me and my little one. There are a lot of rocks in my way, wether it is emotionally or financially. I have a lot of decisions to make and I know I will need a lot of strenght. I will not lie to you, but I think the rape still had an impact on the relationship to my husband. It is not the reason why it didnt work, but now I understand even more how big of an impact grief and sorrow has on your life after rape. Because of the rape I lost myself. I had to define "me" all over again, and the process is still not finished. Sometimes I still feel incapable of making a decision, or I feel vulnerable and incompetent. I try my best every day to stay sane and happy. Some moments are hard and I dont even understand what had me upset in the first place, but it is an unexplainable pain, a big hole in my soul. And it might be something totally different triggering it, but I know inside my heart where the roots lay. I try not to let it control me, but in a time of so much change I do have flashbacks, nightmares and depression.
It is extremley hard for me to talk about it, because I feel after such a long time it should not be a topic in my life anymore, I do not want to deal with all this again! I refuse to let it come back like that! But it is a fight. And at times it is hard for the people around you to understand, especially if you just cannot say what is going on...it just will not come out of your mouth, you know? My friends and family know what happened, but I am almost sure they think it is almost forgotten...It is not. And it will never be. It is a part of me- and wether I hate that part and no matter how disgusted I am by it, I have to live with it. I am ok. I am ok. I am strong and I can do this! And so can you!
Love always

24 Feb 2008
 
Ok, so I received this really nice e-mail from a gentleman in Australia. And he told me about his wife and that he was worried to show her my page because of its rawness and me still struggeling with the consequences of the rape.
I could not stop thinking about his e-mail. So here is what I came up with.
I realize my site, especially my thoughts and the ups and downs, may be hard for someone to read- especially realizing how long it has been. It is hard for me to sit down and put those things in words. I can more than understand that not everybody might be ready for this. But I also believe everybody heals and griefs in different ways. I consider myself strong, and I believe so do other people. Nevertheless this incident changed my life- forever. And I think it will do the same to any victim. I have to confess that I do not go back to read my thoughts. Hardly ever do I even scroll up the page. It is hard for me, still. But I am trying to move on. There was a time when it seemed much better and easier. I seemed to have more strenght. But isnt that normal? I just got divorced and I am not even in my home-country. I am all alone with my son, trying to start a new life without any support. I am not sure wether I am coming or going...leaveing or staying. So during this emotional time we try to analyze what happened to us..What has changed that we changed and how did we get to this point in our lives. During a critical time like this it is normal to re-live those moments of the rape and we try, again, to face our fears. Again, we try to be strong. Again, we try to forget. In a few weeks or months I will probably be better. Hopefully my life will be sorted out, better organized and happier. And I will think less about it. But right now I am griefing over another loss. I am griefing, again, over a loss of something that meant a lot to me and to my life.
I am sure that Tyrone and his wife can be fine. I am certain that they can find happy times again. They seem to share a deep, true love. But any dramatic experience needs time to heal. And I think communication is the key. And one should never assume that the other one is "over it". Not the rape victim, nor their partner. Both are victims, and both are hurting. So if I can give any advice, just one piece...it would be to listen to each other's pain, except each others way of grieving and never assume the other on is "over it"!
I truley, deeply from my heart that you guys will be fine. I do not know you but I can relate so much. Please dont stop fighting! Please stay strong!

14 Dec 2008
 
Wow, a lot of time has gone by since I last updated my page! I did not have internet for a long time and finally got it connected again. First of all I want everybody to know that I am sorry if I did not respond to you right away. Everybody's comments and stories will be added to my page asap.
 
When it comes to me I have to say a lot changed in my life. I have come to terms with myself about a lot of things. I have learned a lot this past year and have found strenght in those lessons. I am looking forward to a new year, with new opportunities and new doors to open.
I am currently trying to start a new chapter in my life... starting a new, better career, surround myself with the people who support me and make me stronger, and continue to dedicate myself to my son's and my well-being.
 
I will try my best to update this page more frequently now and I hope everybody can be patient with me since I have alot of other things going on right now.
My heart goes out to everybody struggling through difficult times. Please keep your heads up and make sure you open up to someone. The most difficult thing is being or feeling all alone. I know all of you are strong, but there is no need to try to get through this by yourself! Everybody needs somebody some time.
Have a Happy Holiday and always remember to take care of yourself...take care of your soul!!!
 

(I received this on 1/3/09 from the girl that was with me that night....)
 
K,
 
I really don't know what compelled me to send you this. I know a lot of time has passed, but I was thinking of you the other day and knew there was something I had to do. I want to apologize to you for not being a friend to you when you really needed it. I know it probably won't really mean much, considering everything that happened. All I can say is that people make mistakes and bad decisions. I was a completley different person back then and don't really think I liked myself very well. I do hope that this finds you in good sprits. Wish You all the best and God Bless.

Jamie

10th of October 2009
 
It has been so long since I added anymore thoughts. My life, especially the last year, has been intense and filled with a lot of growing, developing and soul searching.
I moved, found a career path, changed my life
Life is a struggle, but it is for everybody. And now I actually know what I am fighting for, and where I am going. Now, it makes sense to fight and stay strong.
My focus is my son and ME. That is the way it should be. And I am here! It is awesome!
 
I have learned so much about me, life and other people. I can not put in words how much my brain has been absoring -and everyday I continue to do so. I want to learn more and more and want to grow and embrace every moment.
I still have bad days. But everybody does.
I still have days when I think back to that one night that changed my life.
It changed me. I lost me. And now...years later...after many, many ups and even more downs...I am ME! A new me. Still developing, still learning. Perfectly appropriate for my age, circumstances and life.
I lost me, but I started over and turned out to be a stronger new me. I lost a husband, but I gained an amazing son.
I finally know what I want and where I am going (at least roughly lol) and even though sometimes it gets hard and very tiring as a single Mom. Never have I been stronger. Never have I been more focused and had more clarity.
My wishes are simple, my dreams are reachable. And this time around I will know to appreciate the things that are truley meaningful, meaningful to me, that is!
Good things will happen.
I know it.
Choose your attitude - EVERY MORNING! Because you are the only one who owns it! There will be days when you are upset and annoyed..but guess what- realizing it is the first step. Train yourself to catch the attitude and with time it will become less frequent! Stay true to you - regardless what the situation. You will encounter obstacles, you might run into walls. But there is always a new door that opens, always a way out!
Choose who you are today!
I HAVE! And everyday I try. Everyday I work on staying true to myself!
YOU ARE WHO YOU WANT TO BE! TAKE CHARGE!
 
 
Love always!
K

26 August 2011
Hello ;) I have not forgotten about any of you. I still have no Internet at my house, but I save everybody's thoughts and input and will update my guestbook in time. I take everybody who writes very seriously and am happy to say that I hear from a number of people. My website seems to reach more and more individuals all over the world every day! I am so grateful to have the opportunity to listen and share with all of you!
I am doing well and keep moving forward. I hope so are you :) I send my love and best wishes! Please keep writing! Kisses and hugs

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