A Rape Victim trying to help other victims

MY PERSONAL STORY

My Story

This is what happened to me the night my whole life changed (please be advised that this text may contain passages that are not fitting for all ages):

I came to the United States just about a year before this happened.

I grew up in Europe and did not understand the danger I put myself in. The two cultures differ in many aspects. And certain decisions I made might seem naive or even unintelligent, but it is different in Europe and I never thought that something like that could happen to me. Now I know to be more careful and not to trust anybody, especially not being by myself as a woman. It can happen to anybody so fast and it changes your whole life!

I was raped on a day in February 2004. I am a military spouse and my husband was deployed. Somebody, who I had previous friendly contact with, made his way into my home by asking to use the bathroom. There was not any sexual contact at all previous to that night! I was being friendly and did not think about anything bad. But when that man stepped into my house he made a decision, which would change my life tremendously.

He forced himself upon me, taking advantage of me feeling sick and being intoxicated. He held my arms up and took my clothes off. I told him to stop plenty of times and tried to push him away. But he just kept hushing me, kept holding me down and kept taking my clothes off, touching me and kissing me. I did all I could do with the power that I had at that point of time. I did not think about screaming, I did not think about scratching him or hitting him. He seemed just so extremely strong and it did not seem to make any sense to keep trying. I was worn out, tired and intoxicated. I was on my period, not taking any birth control and had a tampon in. I told him all these things trying to make him stop, but he would not listen!

He first penetrated me being on top of me and later flipped me over and penetrated me from behind. My tampon was never removed; it was in during the whole incident. By the point he started penetrating me from behind I had completely given up. I just stopped. It felt like an outer-body experience. It seemed as if I stepped out of my body and was watching what was happening, not able to do anything about it. All I was thinking was that he could take my body, but I would not let him take my soul! I did not feel a thing. When he first started penetrating me I could feel him, but the more and longer he was inside of me the less I felt him. I just shut down. When he was done he went to the bathroom, cleaned himself off and left. I was crying.

After he had left I took off the rest of my clothes and went into the bathroom. All I concentrated on was that tampon. I went to the closet and got a wire clothes hanger.

I thought I would need it (Never ever do anything like that!!!). After I returned to the bathroom I tried to get the tampon out with my fingers. Luckily at that point I remembered something a woman had told me about 10 years ago, when I was a teenager.

She had told me and other girls how to get a tampon out if it is in too deep. So I followed her advice and pressed and pushed as if I was having a baby. I am fortunate enough to be very flexible, so I could reach a tiny corner of the tampon. And I pulled it out.

I left the bathroom, went in the bedroom and passed out on the bed.

The very next morning, about 5 hours after all this occurred, my boss called and asked me to fill in for an hour. I got up, got dressed and ready. I left to go to work in a hurry. I did not shower for some reason. During the whole time of getting ready I did not think about what exactly had happened. But when I was at work and had no customer in the store for a long time, it hit me! Something was really wrong! Something was not the way it was supposed to be!

This was the longest hour ever in my life! I had to talk to someone. As soon as my boss came back I left. And I just started driving. I ended up in front of a friend’s house. I called her from the car and asked if I could come in. She was the very first person I opened up to. I had called another family friend, who is also a preacher, and worked for the police. He came by too. Both of them listened and actually opened my eyes. They were the first ones to use the word “rape”. And they convinced me to report it. It was a very hard decision, because my husband was in the Middle East, and I was scared of how he would handle it. But it was the best thing to do! For him, my marriage and my own sake!

I was set up for an appointment with a police officer just a little bit later. I went in and made my statement. The police took me to a hospital and they performed a rape-kit. They took hair, DNA, blood and went inside of me to check for any damage. I had to fill out a whole lot of paperwork and was asked a lot of questions again. It was already in the middle of the night. Everything took really long! After the rape-kit was done the police took me to my house to collect evidence. They took my clothes (it was still in the living room, I never put it away), took the couch cushions, searched the floor and everything for any marks and spots, tried to find any hair or something like it, took pictures and kept asking questions. When the bathroom was checked I found something in the trash can that looked like fabric. The police took it out and it was his underwear. He must have cleaned himself off with it and hid it underneath some other trash. They took that too.

By the time the police left it was about 1 or 2 in the morning, I had not been eating all day and I was extremely tired. I went to sleep.

The very next morning my husband called to say hello and I told him right away what had happened. He was able to come back within a few days and his mother stayed with me during that time, so I did not have to be alone.

Everything seemed extremely unreal. It was so surreal that I just kept doing the things I had to do without thinking. It was really, really weird. And everything just seemed so big! The whole thing was so big!!!

As you can see, I was not beaten down, I was not threatened with a weapon and I was not tortured. There are a lot of women out there who went through even scarier and much more traumatic experiences than me. But “rape” does not mean that you have to be hit, threatened with a weapon or even tortured.

Rape means to be forced to perform a sexual act. No matter how it occurs.

If you were forced to have sex with someone; if someone took advantage of you being intoxicated, weak or extremely sleepy, if someone put drugs in your drink to make you powerless and if someone does not stop when you say “NO”’ then you have been raped!!! And there are many, many more ways!

There are, of course, more details to the story - but I believe, that they make no difference. I do not think it makes sense to go into every cruel detail of that night but I am willing to answer any questions;

I am not ashamed of what happened, because I know now, that it was not my fault. You do not need to be ashamed!

"FEELING GREY" is how i described my state of mind.

I felt like i could not think clear or think at all. Everything was foggy and overshadowed by what had happened. I felt like i was not living - but i was breathing!

Monster

I condemn your lying sorry guts,

Your cruelty just drives me nuts.

I cannot believe you live like this,

Facing your loved ones with your dishonestness!

You are a liar, cheater & a criminal,

You are an awful person and terrible irresponsible.

You took my life, made it feel like hell,

Oh, if I could only cast a spell,

To let you feel the pain I have,

A spell to hurt your own bad self.

You broke my legs and hurt my soul,

But love & faith did catch my fall.

So here I am standing up again today,

To tell you are a rapist

- No matter what you say!

K. H. / 13 Oct 04

Fatigue

Dark memories surround each night

As soon as I turn off the light

Shadows of grief crawl over me

And I ask myself

Why won’t he take responsibility?

But ugly pictures suddenly appear

Sucking and spitting out all my fears

And as they float through the bitter dark

I ask to stop the pain soaked heart

Stop crying, hurting- just stop to beat

I feel so miserable fatigue

Now disgust and sickness take control

I roll over, trying to soothe my damaged soul

I need to breathe, need an escape

I pray for one beautiful dream

Please, it is getting late

But no matter how I try to lay

I just cannot forget the terrible day

K. H. / 13 Oct 04

I felt lost, confused and overwhelmed.

I did not know where to go and what to do.

Always remember:

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Remember who YOU are!

Do what feels right to YOU!

finding help

Finding help is crucial in your situation. You need to talk about what happened so you can heal. Professional help can be found in many places! If you do not get help the incident will always remain as an issue in your life. It does not just "go away". Please find someone to talk to!

!PLEASE SHARE YOUR PERSONAL STORY! OR DO YOU HAVE QUESTIONS?

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