Make your own free website on Tripod.com

MY GUESTBOOK

HOME: here4victims/rape

Thank you for taking the time to visit my page. I hope you found what you were looking for. Feel free to sign my guestbook with any criticism, ideas or simply a "hello!"

Your words will be published right here, if you send me an e-mail to the following address:
 
 

here4victims/guestbook

 

 

 

15 july 2004

Please Lord, let "sweetlady" and all who have been abused know that they are fearfully and wonderfully made.

" I thank you Father that she knows your love is everlasting to everlasting.

That nothing can separate her from your love except the refusal to receive it.

Help her to grow in grace and knowledge. This is a wonderful ministry  she is to doing to help others. Please bless her and give her wisdom and strength.

I pray that her marriage will be one of Joy, Peace and Love."

L

 
19 July 2004
 
"Sweetlady"
 
I am very impressed with what you have done here. The information you provided will help so many. It warms my heart to see you doing so well, you may still have some difficult times but, now you know you can make it through and you are helping others to do the same. You are a very courageous and intelligent person, you are able to help others by what you have been through and learned, and that takes a very sweetlady to do that. Also, to your husband, who has been through a lot too, it has been a rough road but what that road leads to is love, through the support and dedication to your wife, you have helped her to become a stronger person. 
 
Best wishes,
Shana S., AAFV
 
 
 
 
20 July 2004
 
I love you and am very proud of what you have done.  You are a very strong young woman and I know your website will help many women.  
 
Mamma
 

 
25 July 2004
 
You are a very brave young lady I feel for you my sister was raped while in high school and you are correct never never be ashamed you did nothing wrong.God will give this man his just dues when the time comes I will pray that you and your husband will forgive because hate is what the devil wants us to do and hate will kill the good.God Bless- Darlene

electricstorm.jpg

 
 
28 July 2004
 
Sweetlady,
 
You are truly a child of God.  It takes a loving, unselfish, forgiving and kindhearted person to take such an awful experience and turn it into something good for others.  Your web site is very, very informative. I know that anyone who takes the time to read it will be more aware and better equipped.  Keep trusting always in the Lord and you and your family will be blessed.  God Bless You.....
Ms. Carol

 
 
Sat, 07 Aug 2004
 
To a very strong person....

....because thatīs what you are ! I think it takes a lot to help others with your  experience, you can be really proud about yourself.
I hope you will always stay that strong and that you keep your power !
You are a special person and I feel so sorry that you had to make such a bad experience.
God bless you !!!
 
T.W.

Hi Sweetlady
 
My name is Kim. I was raped when I was 14 years old by my boyfriend's older brother. I fought him and fought him but he was much bigger and much stronger. He cut me on my left arm just above the wrist and everyday i look at that scare and think about my situation, because as a result of the rape I got pregnant and I was so young and so scared that I had an abortion. My older sister was the only one who knew about what happened to me and that is only because i couldn't get the abortion without an adult. I didnt want anyone to know about it because i felt like it was my fault and i guess in a way i still do. If i had only runs thru my head every day. I just recently told a close friend about this and my mother. For the last year I just havent been able to go on like nothing happened as i have for the past six years. It got harder for me when I started self destructing I could feel myself and who I was slipping away from me. I got onto drugs and drinking everyday. I know now that if i had talked about it when it first happened and not held it all in for me to deal with alone, that i would probably be at a complete different place in my life. my healing process was put on hold that is until now I am older and with your page I see things differnt. If i can get over the rape itself then maybe one day i will be able to forgive myself for the abortion.
 
thank you for listening i hope to hear from you soon Kim

 
 
 
25 sept 2004
 
hi i just read your site i was just wodering how long is that asshole that done this to u in jail for???im just wondering and i know i don't know you but u seem very strong to me and im glad your trying your best to get though this  please get back to me thank you
 

 
 
 
14 Oct 2004
 
 
I am sorry you had to go through all this, and I am sorry that something like this made you feel so bad and hurt.  I can not speak from experience, I do not have that, but what I can say to you is it will all get better.  Obviously you are in a loving and caring relationship and I know you are very proud of that, your husband is a good man for sticking by your side, it might be hard at times, but I KNOW it will only get better.  You speaking out on what happened that night definitely helps you in the long run and especially keeping your faith in god!!!  I am truly mad that you could not stay here in the U.S. longer so we could have met, it's been years and even after all these long years and sometimes not sending emails and that 1 time we talked on the phone I still feel like you are a close friend of mine, but you have to do what you have to do, and if you feel safer somewhere else, then so be it!!!  I'll miss you!!!  Stay safe and I'll be praying!!
 
Kerri Hause (BP friend)

 
 
 
BUDSMOKER11@aol.com , 20 APR 2005:
 
sweetlady if that is your story i read of the woman being raped let me start off by saying you are a very strong woman to have gone through such an experience that no one should.i hope your life is as blessed as the heavens and that all that is behind you .i hope my words reach you and thank you for sharing your experience with me.
 

Trisha Jones, 25th of june 2005
 
hey this is Trisha, i am almost 14, from mississippi.. and i viewed your website, and it really inspired me.  At the first of June, on the 1st, i was raped in my own home. i thought i knew the guy, but i didnt.  he is 19 and he knows that i am almost 14 (July 21 ill be 14) .. anyways.. and your web site really inspired me to share my story .. to help other teens like myself, you know what i mean?... but i just can't find anywhere to post it,... i mean, you may not care, but i would just like to help insipire other teenage girls like myself the way that you helped inspire me.  but if you can help me .. please let me know.. and thanks again for what you did for me .. you have some currage.. and you are my new hero!!! thanks!!
 
-Trisha

23 Apr 06
 
you have given me hope It has been 4 years and it still feels like it was yesterday
rochelle


Thanks for your site!  Like you my experience wasn't violent in terms of using a weapon but it did really change my life.  After your story you said "Rape means to be forced to perform a sexual act. No matter how it occurs."  that was the best thing I have read all day! Thank you Thank you!

Kirsten Pope

5th March 2006
 
My name is Jessica, I'm 20 years old and on April 16th 2005 I was sexually assualted and raped at a house party. 
I was very intoxicated and he carried me to his bedroom.  Then he began kissing and groping me.  He tried to force me to give him oral sex and then took a small club or bat of some sort and proceeded to penetrate me repeatedly...I was hysterical..screaming, crying, and begging for him to stop.  I tried to push him off but he was strong and overpowered me a great deal. From the alcohol and trauma I passed out off and on throughout the assault.  Upon waking up the final time I was in excruciating pain and saw that he was using an empty corona bottle to penetrate me.  I was able to push him off of me at this point and ran to my car,locked the doors, and went home.  I don't remember drive home...the next thing I knew I waking up in my bed in horrible pain. I went to the bathroom and noticed there was blood all over my panties and jeans.  I ran upstairs to tell my mom and collapsed infront of her.  As I was telling her the phone rang, it was my attacker. He had my cell phone and called to "check on me!!!" We went to the hospital and had the rape kit done and the police met me there.  Later they took me to the station for the details. To this day nothing was done.  I have now moved to another state and have talked to police here, who say the police didn't follow any of the correct proceedures.  Since the incident I haven't tried to deal with the pain, instead I try to act like it didn't happen, but I can't. I think about it every day and today I decided to start my healing process.  Thank you for your website.  It's nice having someone out there who understands what its like to be violated and who is committed to helping others who have shared similar experiences.

 

 11 Apr 06, 13:05
 
Hello there,
 
I came across your web site as I was looking for online support.  I am frustrated with the legal system and feel unbelievable self blame and hatred for being raped.  I was severely intoxicated to the point that I couldn't stand and became physically ill.  I didn't realize I was raped because I don't remember the entire night.  I don't remember my clothes coming off or how we started.  I blame myself not for remembering and not remembering saying no.
 
Lost and confused in Massachusetts.
 
Gina

21 Nov 2006
 
Hello.  What a wonderful website you have developed.  I love the spiritual aspect you've added to it, as I believe that that is the only way to truly heal from a rape.  I was raped as a college student in 1987.  I was walking home from a fraternity party by myself at 2 am, very intoxicated.  A stranger crossed the street and started walking with me and talking with me.  When we came near a wooded area, he dragged me into the woods, punched me in the face several times, choked me and raped me.  Afterwards, I ran home and my roommates called the police and took me to the hospital.  I had a fractured eye socket and a hemotoma over my eye.  I took a week off of school and then came back and started living life, trying to be as normal as possible.  I wanted to just forget about it and push it away and pretend that it didn't happen.  I told a few friends and moved on.  I married after college, had a very successful career and and have two wonderful boys, aged 4 and 6. Over the years, I would have nightmares once in a while, but I mostly lived life as though it never happpened.  Then, last January '05, I heard a sermon at church and the pastor asked "What will you do to serve the Lord this year?"  I was feeling a need to do something more profound than the volunteering I was doing at church.  I ended up on the Rape Crisis Center website for my community looking for opportunities to volunteer. I called them and talked to an employee and she commented that she thought I would make a good board member.  A month later, the Executive Director called me and by March I was inducted to the board of directors.  At the time, I was reading Rick Warren's "Purpose Driven Life" and came across this passage: 
 
"God intentionally allows you to go through painful experiences to equip you for ministry to others.  The Bible says, "He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." If you really desire to be used by God, you must understand a powerful truth: The very experiences that you have resented or regretted most in life - the ones you've wanted to hide and forget - are the experiences God wants to use to help others.  They are your ministry!  For God to use your painful experiences, you must be willing to share them.  You have to stop covering them up, and you must honestly admit your faults, failures, and fears.  Doing this will probably be your most effective ministry.  People are always more encouraged when we share how God's grace helped us in weakness than when we brag about our strengths."
 
I was floored when I read this, as it so hit right on with what I was doing.  My year of 2005 was a year of healing that I didn't even know I needed, but God knew I did.  It took me 18 years to face what happened head on and truly heal from it.  I had become a Christian just the year before and it is so amazing that one of the first things God took me through once I started my relationship with him was this healing process.  I have since told longtime friends that never knew this about my past.  I've decided that I shouldn't keep it a secret anymore, because that shame is why this crime is so underreported and so difficult to cope with.  Now I am proud to talk about how this happened to me and that I am using my experience to benefit others. 
 
My favorite Bible verse to those who are going through difficult times in healing is:  "May the God of Hope fill you with all Joy and Peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with Hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  God is truly the God of Hope and he can help you heal if you open up and invite him into your life.  You just need to be ready to do what he asks you to do!
 
~Michelle

30 Oct 2006
 
Hi. I read your story.  I also am a victim of rape.  This happened to me 20 years ago & have never dealt with it.  This is the first time that I have read anything about someones tragedy in regards to rape.  I guess I have just blocked it out of my head.  You are brave & strong
 
Leti

Hello!

My name is Lauren and I am a Rape Crisis Counselor/Advocate in New York State .  Every day I deal with women, men and children that unfortunately know the pain of sexual violence.  In fact, I myself have been a victim (or survivor, if you will) on 2 different occasions.   As I am sure you know, oftentimes victims feel so alone, so it was wonderful to come across your amazing website.  I plan on sharing your website with all of my clients!  The amount of info and personal accounts of your own experience with sexual violence serves victims well.  On one of the pages you said this: “ If you are alive, you did everything right! “  I loved that!!!!  Brilliant!!!  You should be so proud!!!

Thank you for an inspiring and informative website.  It truly is a remarkable resource!

Lauren West

Steuben County Counselor/Advocate

Rape Crisis of the Southern Tier

1-888-810-0093

www.rcst.org

7 Jan 2007
 
Hi my name is Tamara im 19 ill be 20 feb 13. i was raped this new years eve between 2am and 3am by my uncle. i cant begin to tell you how sick and so damn tired i am. im so tired of crying and havent slept that well lately. please tell me that it will get better and soon. i have support from parents and most of all my boyfriend. i was so afraid to tell him at first because i wasnt sure how he would react or think of me after he knew. i dont know where i would be with out him. my question is how do i not be so angry. i find myself getting pissed for no reason and lashing out at people who dont deserve it. also i find myself with drawing from interaction with people and i hate being alone. but i feel so awkward and out of place when im around people what should i do?
                                                                                                       Tamara

17 Jan 2007
 
Thank you very much for taking the time to create your website.  I was raped by my chiropractor and his friends three years ago and I have just started dealing with it.  I never told anyone, I tried to kill myself, and while recovering I finally told my friend what happened.  I wish I would have spoken up much sooner.  Your story reassures me that I am not crazy and alone.  Thank you.  Your website will help so many people.  I wish I would have seen your website three years ago.  I would have had the courage to speak the unspeakable and saved myself a lot of suffering.  I do know it's going to be a long road, but you are inspiring.  I hope to get through my grief with the same attitude you have.
 
God bless you.
 
Ilsa

HOME: here4victims/rape

 28 FEB 2007
 
Hi i am Miss T. I was also raped. I was 15 i had just started high school and i was making new friends. I had a lot of guy friends in my neighbor hood. We were all always together. Well one of my "friends" decided to call me over one day. I went thinking nothing about it. When i got there we started talking and he offered me something to drink. Then he proceeded to tell me he thought i was very very pretty. and well dreveloped for my age. I said thank you, then he said he wanted to show me something in his room. I went (it was not the first time i had been in there, everyone was always there) when i wnet in the room he came in behind me and locked the door. I asked what he did that for and he said it was a habit. So we sat down on the bed and he started rubbing on my leg. I told him to stop cause he knew i liked someone else. But he didnt stop. He then proceeded to grab my breast. I tried to get up and leave but he pushed me down on the bed. He took my shirt off and started sucking on my breast. Then he grabbed them. Then he took my pants off and started ramming his fringers in to me. It hurt so bad that i started to block it out. He then took his clothes off and proceeded to rape me. I begged and pleaded for him to stop but when i did he just went harder. when he finally climaxed. He started sucking on my breast again. when he was fully errect again he pushed himself into my mouth and forced me to give him oral. He climaxed in my mouth. Then he made himself hard again and put his member in my but and did me from behind. All through this i kept screaming and he kept raping me. He finally finished and allowed me to get off the bed only to rape me again. when i finally got out of the room. i seen his cousins sitting there. The whole time i was screaming they were there and no one came to help me. I never filed any charges. I didnt even tell anyone for 2 1/2 years. I was so humiliated and dissapointed with my self. But i didnt let any of that stop me. I am now happily engeged, and currently going to college to be a shrink. So that i can help others who have had the same thing done to them. Thank you for listening.                                             Always
                                                                Miss T

 
 
12 March 2007
 
 
Hi there,
 
I'm not sure if you still keep up with your website about rape but, if you do, then I'd like to thank you for your website. My name is Emilie, i'm 16 years old, and I was raped 2 days ago by a friend of mine...I was intoxicated with alcohol as I am an alcoholic (for which I am getting help for) when my "friend" took me and raped me. He took away my virginity and he took a part of me as well. I reported it to the police and they did the whole rape kit thing but I still don't know if the guy was arrested. You see, he's 23 years old. He's not even a minor. I've been trying to act like nothing happened but it did and it hurts inside. The police may not even do anything because i drank alcohol and so they say perhaps my memory is foggy and i did say yes to him. even though i clearly did not.
I don't quite know what to do, my parents and siblings say its partly my fault because I drank so I feel so alone. People say they understand how I feel but they don't, they didn't get violated like I did. which is why i'm grateful I came upon your page. In fact, if you do put this in your guestbook, i'd appreciate it if you could put my e-mail address as I would like to talk to some other rape victims if I could because I feel so damn alone......
I hope you do get this e-mail. And thanks again or your website.
 
-emilie
          kewlgirl_1@hotmail.com

In March of '07' i was raped by someone i thought was a friend of mine for 14 yrs. He was my husbands best friend for 21 yrs. and approximately a year ago he started dating my aunt. Tim (the offender) and i were out alone one night which wasn't unusual because we had gone out alone many times before over the years. I had three drinks and felt strange as if someone had put something in my drink so i told Tim let's go home. We left the bar and as i was walking out i fell. Tim drove my car to his uncle's house which was also his and told me he had to pick something up. I went in to use the bathroom and said hi to his uncle. As i walked to the front door to leave thinking he was back in the car, he came out of his room which is right by the front door and grabbed my arm and pulled me in his room, he threw me on the bed and pulled my pants off without unbuttoning them, i was telling him to stop and pushing him off me and he was pushing me back. It lasted for about two to three minutes and when he finished i got up and started to cry, he said "don't cry, let's go". He drove my car to my house and when i went in i immediately started crying to my husband and he grabbed paper weight and was going to hit Tim with it. My husband new in his heart what happened but I told my husband i was just really drunk and nothing was wrong. I only told him that because my kids were in the house and i didn't want anything to happen. The next day my husband told my aunt that i came home and he new i had been raped but again, i denied it because i didn't want problems. I kept it to myself and blocked it out of my mind for 1 1/2 months. The four of us continued to hang out as if nothing happen even though i wanted to tell someone and finally told everyone on May 4th 2007.  Tim denied anything happened at all until the next afternoon when he had his own false version of the story. He told my aunt that i seduced him and performed oral sex on him in the car and then we had mutual sex at his house. This version never happened and it makes me sick to think ANYONE would believe him. My aunt believed his lies and started telling everyone she is the victim, i seduced her boyfriend and I'm the liar. This wasn't the first time he tried, but it is the first and last time he succeeded. I would never have thought of doing anything with him willingly. I have always felt he was physically disgusting and alot of women i know feel the same way about him. My aunt is the only person who believes him and i hope she sleeps well knowing he is a rapist. I believe she knows he did it and is in denial because she is too ashamed to admit the kind of person she is with. Thank you for sharing my story.  S.V. 

Sent: Thursday, May 24, 2007 10:33:06 PM
Subject: Re: Please HELP

dear cathy, i would love to help in any way. let me know if there is something i can do!  the best way to reach out are groups were survivors meet and online is always good because she can decide how far she wants to go and what she wants to talk about.
what you should do is be there for her. if she needs to talk, let her talk. if she needs to cry or yell, let her do that. if she needs to just sit with you, do that. just let her know you are there for her and that you have no doubt in your mind that she is a wonderful, beautiful person inside and out. let her know that she did nothing wrong and that she is strong. rape is so tough because it feels like you lose yourself. help her to grief about that loss and help her to define a new personality. please do not hesitate to write me at all!
kerstin

<berbicebabe28@yahoo.com> wrote:
A family member of mine was recently rape by a prominent religious leader in Trinidad.  The story has made headlines but she has been courageous and brave intent to fight the injustice and stop future rape.  She is not from Trinidad but for the next couple of weeks has to remain in the country until her case is reviewed.  She can used words of support and encouragement and I was wondering whether you might to a way to reach out to other victims.  I am a survivor myself from 10 years of sexual abuse and rape.  PLEASE HELP HER.....fight.

21 July 2007, Cassandra
 
I wanted to talk to you about an issue i have...I'm 15 years old and I have been through 5 of these horrible experiences. Each by a different guy. The first one was the worst.He was my ex-boyfriend. I still cared about him in a way and i know he cared about me but he had a hard time controling himself. He really hurt me emotionally and the physical effects came in later. He cried about it every night after what he did to me, and i didn't really know what had happened until a few days later. My boyfriend at the time helped me get through it and so did my friends. I knew that there was still good in him and i didn't tell anyone other then my friends and my boyfriend's parents. Then came the day when i was face to face with him. I was alone with him again but i wasn't afraid. I walked over to him and got on my knees to look him in the eyes. They were red and full of tears. I put my hand on his heart and said that we are going to get through this. Over time he changed to the way i knew he was. He never hurt me again. He has not forgiven himself, but he is now part of my closest group of friends again. The other 4 were quick, i had my clothes on, and they were very painful physically. One is another one of my friends. He had done it to multiple girls, but i was the only one who ever fought back. My boyfriend and his family take care of a number of people, 7 of the 13 who live with them have been raped. I helped the 7 get through their pain and forgive those who did them harm. One of the 7 is the 2nd person who raped me. He lives with one of his victims, she asked him to stay with her and the child he had given her. They care greatly for each other and she does not regret living with him. He is a very good person who was in a terrible situation. Temptation flowed through him and he could not surpass it. Since i had told him no and clawed his face, all he has to do is look at the scar i gave him and remember that it is wrong to hurt people. The other 3 people who hurt me have been forgiven and i have confronted them all. They know of the damage they caused me and only one of them doesn't care. i don't know what it is about me that makes them realize they have done something wrong, and then stop doing it even though they have hurt others. They just look at me and can't help but cry. I really need to know what you think about this. I also wanted to tell you that i think you are very strong and that you have a big heart for helping all these people. You are a one of a kind person and i am glad to know that they is much hope still left in the world. Please let me know about your thoughts.
 
                                                                          Thank You

15 July, Claudia D.S.
 
I am truly sorry you had to go through that grusome ordeal. I would also like to say thank you because you made my decision much easier about going into law inforcement to investigate sex crimes. I also appreciate the fact that when you made a comment about the police who took your statement you didn't include all officers. like you said god is good and its a blessing that you made it this far, continue to praise him for only he can make things right.
 
 
p.s i look forward to building a realationship with you.
 

11 July 2007

Kerstin,

I just finished viewing your entire website. Not only am I a rape crisis counselor/advocate but I am also a survivor as well! I thought that your site was amazing, raw, truthful, and inspiring! I could empathize with so many of your thoughts and feelings… it brought me to tears.

I think that it’s great that a courageous woman like you can speak out publicly about the outrage of sexual violence and the reality of its prevalence… I applaud you! Thank you for supporting our cause and helping the many survivors out there have a voice.

 

Katrina Tobey

 

Youth Counselor/ Advocate

Rape Crisis of the Southern Tier

AmeriCorps Kids First Initiative Member

Office: (607) 796-0220 ext. 403

24 hr. / Toll Free Hotline: 1-888-810-0093

Email: katrina.tobey@ppsfl.org  

 

3 Aug 2007
 
Cassandra wrote:
 
It's no problem that you didn't reply right away. i don't mind. You need to take care of your needs just like me and everyone else. I do enjoy time with my friends and family and i love hanging out with all of them. I always remember that they are by my side and that everyone goes through bad times. I just have to hang onto the fact that things get better, even though they are harder. I've tried to cry and let it out, but every chance i get something comes up with my friend that makes me stop and be strong to help her in her situation. I told her one day that some one i know told me, "You spend so much time saving others from their pain, but where is the one who is going to save you? When is it your turn?" I have remembered that ever since he told me. When i told her that she said that, that person is probably close by and will come soon. I told her what he said becuase i never have been able to ask her for help. And when i do she doesn't know what to say. I don't mind it really, it's just painful to have her cry to me and i can't do the same. I have once before, but never again. She's a great friend and i can confide in her, but i never really get to be comforted by her. She get's mad because of what happened to me, or she's having a bad day. I don't like it when she is mad and i told her that it's the last thing she needs to be in those situations. Anger doesn't help anyone, it just makes everything worse. I have faith in her and everyone else. I know that it will get much better than it is now and that everything will be fine with a few problems here and there, but it's normal. Thank you for putting my poem on, i wrote it a long time ago about me and my friend. Sometimes bad things with friends, or people that may have hurt you aren't how they may seem. I never concidered that before, until the day i saw that everyone feels pain no matter what, and i have no reason to hate them. I don't hate anyone, even if i don't love everyone.

sweetlady0414@yahoo.com> wrote:
Dear cassandra, first fo all I have to apologize for not writing back right away. I have had some medical issues which are still not resolved so I have been very busy with appointments and my family.
I am amazed by the way you allow yourself to open up. Even though you have experienced so much horror you still allow yourself to trust people and see the good in them. I admire that. I really do. I feel the same way and I always try to see the good in people but I have put myself in situations with people who I could not help and they hurt me one way or the other. You have to realize that you are your own responsibility first and foremost. If you are not healthy you can not truley help someone else to be. But I see how strong you are and how much helping people means to me. It seems you are doing very well for yourself and others. I just do not want you to forget about yourself. Do things that are fun, things that are only for you...going out, the gym, crafty stuff...anything. Just stay true to your spirit. Make yourself happy and you will be able to continue what you are doing and helping others. You are so strong. Dont be afraid to cry sometimes. Dont think you always have to be strong- it is ok to have bad days!
You are so admirable! I love your poem also. I will put it on my page today! Stay sweet and get back with me, ok? 

Cassandra wrote:
I wanted to talk to you about an issue i have...I'm 15 years old and I have been through 5 of these horrible experiences. Each by a different guy. The first one was the worst.He was my ex-boyfriend. I still cared about him in a way and i know he cared about me but he had a hard time controling himself. He really hurt me emotionally and the physical effects came in later. He cried about it every night after what he did to me, and i didn't really know what had happened until a few days later. My boyfriend at the time helped me get through it and so did my friends. I knew that there was still good in him and i didn't tell anyone other then my friends and my boyfriend's parents. Then came the day when i was face to face with him. I was alone with him again but i wasn't afraid. I walked over to him and got on my knees to look him in the eyes. They were red and full of tears. I put my hand on his heart and said that we are going to get through this. Over time he changed to the way i knew he was. He never hurt me again. He has not forgiven himself, but he is now part of my closest group of friends again. The other 4 were quick, i had my clothes on, and they were very painful physically. One is another one of my friends. He had done it to multiple girls, but i was the only one who ever fought back. My boyfriend and his family take care of a number of people, 7 of the 13 who live with them have been raped. I helped the 7 get through their pain and forgive those who did them harm. One of the 7 is the 2nd person who raped me. He lives with one of his victims, she asked him to stay with her and the child he had given her. They care greatly for each other and she does not regret living with him. He is a very good person who was in a terrible situation. Temptation flowed through him and he could not surpass it. Since i had told him no and clawed his face, all he has to do is look at the scar i gave him and remember that it is wrong to hurt people. The other 3 people who hurt me have been forgiven and i have confronted them all. They know of the damage they caused me and only one of them doesn't care. i don't know what it is about me that makes them realize they have done something wrong, and then stop doing it even though they have hurt others. They just look at me and can't help but cry. I really need to know what you think about this. I also wanted to tell you that i think you are very strong and that you have a big heart for helping all these people. You are a one of a kind person and i am glad to know that they is much hope still left in the world. Please let me know about your thoughts.
 
                                                                          Thank You

 

5 Aug 07

Hi There.

 

Having read your pages, I can well identify with a number of things. Although the healing process has been a very long time and is still ongoing, I am glad to see that it has not destroyed your family. That threat was all so real.

 

A few days ago, my girlfriend got burgled and raped at about 4 am. The after effects are traumatic. I feel powerless. I try to help her through her ordeal. She on the other hand just wants to give up on our relationship as she is feeling worthless. These are very stressful times, and there are numerous times that one just want to give up. But then reality kicks in and you carry on because you value the relationship you had and you want to get it back to where it was. It frustrates the hell out of me and if I could lay my hands on the rapist, I would in all probability kill him, slowly.

 

Anyway, thank you for sharing your experiences with others. Keep up the good work; there are many people out there who appreciate it. I am one of them.

 

Best wishes and good luck.

 

Rey.

After reading your story, I had tears in my eyes and if it wasnt so late in the night, I would run to the bathroom and grab a tissue. My health class is now teaching us about rape and is using guess speakers in our class. I think you should go from school to school and teach about this event. You have taught me about the high numbers of rapes. I watch shows all the time about things like this. I know that every time you blink, some one is getting raped at that moment. You have touched my feeling about rape and I wanted to thank you.
 
                      Shay

 
 
Monday, Feb. 2, 2008
 
Thank you so much for making this website. I have been to many rape crisis websites but this one has really struck me. It reaches not victims but survivors. It spoke to me and I could not just leave without sharing my story. I am 23 now, my assault happened in 2 years ago. I was in college and he was a friend of a "friend" of mine. I was in her dorm, she told me this guy I've had a crush on since middle schools coming over with his friend. You should hook up with his friend cause he's cute and I would. I thought nothing of it because friends hangout all the time. They came over with beers and offered us some but I don't drink beer so I had three sips. The guy she had a crush on asked me different questions about me that was strange because he was suppose to be with my friend. Where I'm from, etc. Then he kept saying how pretty I was, how nice and long my hair was. It was weird but I brushed it off. I made out with his friend and we ended up naked but didnt have sex. He left to go to the bathroom. My friend and the guy she had the crush on were having sex in the room and after they were done he jumped off her onto me. I thought it was a joke at first. Told him to get off me and called to her. she walked out and left me there..he raped me and his friend came in and tried to make me give him oral sex. He told him to stop that it was making me uncomfortable. My friend walked in and out..took a shower and never helped me. After it, I put my clothes back on and actually begged her to forgive me. She kicked me out of her room..my friend told everyone around school I wanted it that I'm a hoe. I was hurt, embarrassed, confused and scared. I had a final the next day and couldn't take it, my ex told me to tell someone so I went to the school's counseling services. It's been a long journey for me, the nightmares, me feeling worthless. My family and few of my friends know. I've blocked it out for a while to not remember the pain but I know sharing my story with others will help them. I've learned that my mother was molested several times as a child. She was so hurt to why I didn't fight back and I was ashamed and upset at myself that I didn't. I had so many what ifs, what if I didn't have my clothes off. Maybe I was a whore, my behavior something I did made him think it was okay. I know that It wasn't my fault, I didn't have to beg for forgiveness at all. I separated myself from my body at the time..I couldn't scream and I've shed many tears. God, has helped me and today I'm living my life not as a victim but a survivor. Thank you to all the women young and old for your touching stories. May God bless men, women and children trying to cope with their own story because we all have a story to tell.

Aisha (God's child)

 
Tue, Feb 12th 2008
 
how do i tell pple that i were raped when i was 8 yrs old an nobody would believe me even though i am now 14?

 
Monday Feb 11th, 2008
 
 
it has been almost 5 years. I was at a grocery store at 230 in the afternoon, picking up a book of stamps for my grandmother. He came from behind with a gun and drove me away in my own car. He had me for 2 hours, at a nearby lake. I was 25, and on top of the world. I was in my 1st semester of nursing school. The man was found simply by how accurate my description was, for that i am proud of myself. I knowingly memorized everything i saw, heard, and felt. A year later, after graduating from college...i sat on stand and he was sentenced 99 years in prison. You would think i would have moved on then. It had only just begun. I almost lost my husband, i neglected my children, i even lost my nursing liscense. I turned to drugs. For about 2 years, i was living on the edge. Somehow, i have found a way out of that haze. But now, through sober eyes...i am almost in a worse place. I am a prisoner in my home. Ive gained 40 lbs, for that im ashamed and feel embarassed to be seen. I have so much anger, so much regret, and i am not ashamed for being raped....only for what my life became after it happened. I was called a hero during the trial. Those people would be disappointed in me now. I have a wonderful husband, 2 incredible kids, and many other reasons to come through this. But, for the first time in my life...i cant accomplish something i want to. Any advice is welcome, and i hope to someday be strong again. I miss the sunshine. I miss feeling pretty. I miss being proud. I fear the public, and i cannot stand missing one more thing in life. One more school function. One more death of someone i havent seen because im trapped here. Im 30 now. I lost half of my twenties. My hope is to regain control and end up in places i want to be, not only places that i think are controllable. I know im doing something wrong. I see women move on. Why cant I?
 

 

 

14 February 2008

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Mine is similar but not as serious I guess and a long long time ago. Anyway, I appreciate you sharing your story it helps.

Thanks,

Sandy

 
 
 
23 Oct 2007
 
 
I have had a history of sexual abuse.  When I was around the age of 4 my sisters friend made me eat her out.  When I was 14 a guy friend I knew forced forplay on me and then when I was 15 one of my best guy friends raped me when I was intoxicated.  None of these people have gotten in trouble for what they have done and I still have to see the guy that raped me everyday. I have not had any counsling but have gotten through it pretty much by my self.  I did not tell anyone until a year later when I told my mother. Which she pretty much acts like nothing has happened.   But I thought I would share a poem I wrote with you. It is not that good but it tells my feeling of that night. 
 

Shattered beauty lays upon her face.
A lost inacence torn away in just a day.
Hidden words linger on her lips.
Forever sealed.
Shes never to be healed.
Whispers of an untold night hover about in her head.
Why can she not block it out for just one night?
A tear to shed for a lost childhood, forever gone.
Ripped away at the age of 15.
Layen upon her a hand full of grief.
Eyes full of sorrow.
The pain is still alive.
Its trapped inside.
Even though two years have gone by.
All alone in the dark.
Faintly remembering what went on that night.
She can still see his eyes glising white.
She can still feel his touch.
So gentle but so much more rough.
The smell of acohol on his breath.
So bittersweet.
She can still taste her tears.
A salty treat running down her check.
Oh what resentiment she has.
Never accepting the past.
It's like a thorn in the palm of her hand.
She is shattered beauty.
Broken pieces scattered all around.
Her heart has been torn out.
Words out of no ware seep out:
"Tell me child what's your fret? 
Hold your heart in your hand. 
Look in the mirror. 
Do you not see? 
Disgrace is all over your face.
All alone and unworthy.
Shattered beauty is all that your worthy."

-Nicole H

 
 

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 12:29:35 -0500
30 Oct 2008
Thank you for your advice your website have def. shed a light onto me about the emotions one feels afterwards. I wrote her an email today using your advice. your website have impacted my life and it is a tool I can use to help myself and my girlfriend.  I wish you luck on your continual journey of healing.
 
God Bless You,
 
Shane

 
 
 
4 Oct 2007
 
 
I just wanted to say thank you for you web site.  I was raped this weekend and I have been at a loss for anything.  not knowing what to do where to go or even who to talk to.  I'm scared and so ashamed.  I am encouraged by you that you had the strength to go to the police or even talk to anyone about what happened.  I don't know if I will ever be able to do that so thanks

Shannon

22 February 2008
 
Hi Kerstin,

I read your website about being raped, and it helped me have a better understanding of what
my wife must be going through. She wasn't technically raped, but was molested and he
forced himself on her. This was only two weeks ago. I wasn't expecting the pain for her
to go away over night, but I am a little distressed about how long you have been going
through this all, and even more so your recent post saying that you and your husband
have broken up. It makes me so angry the impact that this man has had on you (and
I don't even know you). My wife is going through all the unjustice of the justice system
that you went through. All the nightmares, and emotions. She is being painted as
the criminal .. it just isn't right. We are in Australia so it seems the legal system
is the same all over the world. I wish you all the best, I don't know if I will show my
wife your website. On one hand I think it would be good, showing her all the emotions
that you went through so she doesn't think she is crazy, but the amount of time you
have been burdened by it, I don't think she would be ready for that yet.
Anyway, thanks again .. remember not all men are bastards, and all the best
for you and your son, I hope you find peace and happiness.

Tyrone


March 7 2008
 
Dear Sweetlady
 
Is nice to see ur web page any way thanks for ur commnds and adv.
 
Take care bye
 
D.Rajan
 

 

28 April 2008

Your story touched me

Hi, my name is Monica Smith. I am now 22 years old. I am also a rape and molestation victim, and I read you page for a speech that I am doing on why Rapists should get harsher penalties, even death. I was blessed by reading your story, so I would like to tell you mine.
 I was a freshmen in high school, I had been trying to fit in a lot so I started hanging out with a different group of friends. I got in some trouble and had to go to Saturday School, where I met a guy who seemed very sweet. He was a friend of mines brother, and he asked me if I wanted to go with him to lunch. I agreed. He ended up saying that my sister had called and said that she had something for me that we should go back to his house and that he would get it for me. And  I again agreed. When we got to his house he was still being as polite and pleasant as before. the minute we stepped into his house he began trying to get me into his bedroom, before I knew we were in his room and locked the door behind him, I ran to the corner of the room trying to get away from him, thinking that it would help. He came over to me and I kicked him and started running to the door. My attempt was in vain. Within a second he had been back and grabbed my hair and pulled me down on to the floor where he perseeded to rape me. I screamed and cried, and kicked for as long as I could but he didnt stop, and when he was done He left me there. When I got to school the next morning I hadnt told anybody, my best friend at the time noticed that I had various bruises on my arms, and neck and around my cheeck, and that my lips were also bruised from bite marks, she told a counselor that she thought I was attacked and the police were called as well as my parents and I told them what happend. and after I told tham who he was they let me go home. They found out who he was and questioned him, he denies everything and because he was the start soccer player they believed him over me and they gave him on 72 hours of Community service and he had probation for 3 years.Thank You for your story, you are an inspiration to me.

 

 

Mon, 12 May 2008 22:08:16 -0500

Umm ok well honestly I wasn't looking for your page but im glad i found it i am 16 years old and a female when i was 7 years old i was sexually molested by NOW my mothers ex boyfriend, when i was 14 my uncle whom i thought of as a father hit on me and tried to have sexual relations with me last October i tryed killing myself with overdose and i was sent to a kind of rehabilitation center and placed in counceling everything still wouldnt go away but yet i still tryed to keep my hopes up and learn to make the best of life hangout out with old and new friends and do normal activities then it happened again just a few months ago an aqueintince of mine forced himself upon me and raped me at his friends home i am still trying to deal with the trauma again..i guess what i was looking for was maybe someone with the same situations and problems to talk to and to tell you i love this site and everything you are doing.

IThank you for your advice your website have def. shed a light onto me about the emotions one feels afterwards. I wrote her an email today using your advice. your website have impacted my life and it is a tool I can use to help myself and my girlfriend.  I wish you luck on your continual journey of healing.
 
God Bless You,
 
Shane

 

Dear Sweetlady
 
Is nice to see ur web page any way thanks for ur commnds and adv.
 
Take care bye

Hello. I am a friend of my girlfriends cousins daughter. She is an extremely intelligent kid and is cute for her age. Boys are attracted to her. (Not me of course!) But recently she has made some rather disturbing choices. Her family and friends who know about these events are worried and it seems like talking isn't enough. Below are two things that happened that we know of. We are worried and don't

About six months ago she was caught instant messaging a sexual predator over the internet. All we know about him is he lives in Lexington Kentucky. The same city she lives in. Her mother caught her and printed out the conversation. I read the it and the reason why she participated in this event was the predator told her that if she wouldn't do as he said that he would sent a virus to the computer. She did everything he asked her to do. He asked for her number and refused to give it to her. (Thank god!) He asked her to meet him somewhere. She said no. But just about everything else she did. She went into very detailed scenarios, even over her giving him oral sex. She admitted doing this while crying and she said she was scared of getting the virus on her uncles computer. I was sick to my stomach. How could she know about stuff like that?!? (well in today's times) But still. What he did was sick and what she did was wrong and she was punished.

About 4 months after this incident she started high school and on her first day a senior walked up to her and told her that she was cute and he wanted to do something sometime. We were not to ecstatic about this. But we let it go on.

Her mother caught her recently online at some xxx sites and texting this guy dirty texts. Some of which I don't even know the meaning of them. They are rather disturbing.

I am just worried that she is getting too "involved" with this person and I want to let her know how I feel but the last time we talked about this I thought it sunk in. She is grounded from the phone and the computer for 6 months. I am worried that someday she may have to face what you had to. How can I talk to her and tell her that what she is doing is not safe? Can I let her read your personal story online? It really was a shocker! I am proud of you and your ability to tell everyone what had happened to you. I have no clue of what you went through that horrible night. I am sorry. Did you ever get justice? What can I talk to her about that may open her eyes to what shes doing? Any suggestions?

 

 

 

Hi

I read your story and just cried, your such a brave lady.

I know this is probally really weird and all, but the same thing happend to me, im 16 not that that really makes a difference

it did happen a while ago a few months, but since i see the man more, do you think it's to late to report it ? should i just not report it and move on and deal with seeing this guy ?

Thank you

:)

 

I just want to thank you for how much this helped me. I to was a rape victim .it happened when i was 4 and when i was 8 at least 4 times by my cousin and my step brother.m my step brother locked me in a room and strarted touching me and making me touch and put my mouth on him.my cousin scared me the most he had a knife up to my throut while he was raping me. i am now 13 and i am still scared i feel they are goin to come and find me. i do try my hardest not to let interfear with my life. i often find myself writing poetry and music based on the rape. i still tell my i could have stoped it even though i no it was not my fault. they always told me they loved me i just didnt think they ment it in that way. the sadness will probly stay with me for ever but being able to read other peoples stories reminds me that i am not alone. also,that if other people can get through it i can to. Thank you very much,you have gottin me through a lot .

Carrie D

 

 

My name is Kelsie I am 20 years old and I was raped August 31, 2007 by a very close friend. It happened on campus at Western State College in Gunnison, Colorado. I reported the rape to the policy and did everything I was suppose to do, but he was never charged. The DA decided that I was not strong enough to stand up to the rapist in court, that the jury with side with the rapist (1) because I was a girl going to a guys house at night and (2) because they are a bunch of rural cowboys that think College Student's are a bunch of "sex-crazed" people. Gunnison consists of around 5,000 people, and majority of the population is college students. There are few cowboys in the town and being a cowgirl I would know!! I turned to the College for support and protection, they turned me down. They first said that they could not take any action because the case was still being processed legally, and then once it finally was processed they said that the rapist was only going to be there for a few more weeks so they weren't going to do anything. To put it all into perspective, I lived a hundred yards away from him and I was in the same program as he was, therefore I saw him every day multiple times a day, and had nothing stopping him. The night he raped me he was very violent and abusive emotionally and physically. I had multiple bruises from him, even bruises on my breasts. I had bruises from him biting me, and beating me. He told the police that it was consensual sex and that he didn't know why I was upset or crying. I remember laying there crying and praying to God to just make it end and just take me out of that place. I honestly thought that I was going to die that night. When I went to the college for support the Dean, Gary Pierson told me that "it wasn't like it was a life threatening situation". This only added to the damage that had been done to me. I became deeply depressed, I shut out the world and went through the motions of life with no feeling. Most nights I would lay in bed, cry and pray to God to please take me out of this world. It's been over a year now and things have only gotten worse. I have become so depressed that I had to quit my job and move back home with my parents. I feel like a failure and a horrible person. I have lost almost every single friend I had because of the rape or the depression caused by the rape. Nobody understands me or how I feel and it makes it difficult to live. I tried seeing multiple therapists, but they only seemed to make things worse. However, my depression has become so bad that my parents gave me a choice of seeing a therapist to fix things or going to the hospital until I am better. I am choosing to see a therapist, I was hospitalized last March because I was suicidal. I feel so alone in this world and after finding this website I know that there are people in this world who do understand and now how I feel. The frustrations with the legal system, the battle with self-guilt, and the loneliness and isolation that rape causes. Most days I feel all alone but thanks to this website today is not one of those days. Thank you.

 

 

 

Hello,

I just really wanted to thank you for your website. I was raped my second day of college and never pressed charges. I got help but gave up on going to counseling after a few sessions. I had no friends at school and didn't want any. I felt empty and numb. I stopped eating and sleeping. I was scared to go out because I might see him. It has now been four months and I am in a relationship with someone who knows what happened and is being very careful with me. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to be with him yet. Most importantly I want to tell my parents, but I don't know how. I was drinking that night and the whole situation would break their hearts. I was also wondering if there was a way to reach out and to tell my story to other young girls. Thank you so much for sharing yours.

 

 

My name is Anita, I'm 22 years old. It was March 20, 2001, I don't know why, but I decide to get stoned with my sister and friends that day. My sister had to go with my cousin later that day, I told her not to go because we where going to get caught, she was so stoned and you could tell. Sure enough my sister left and my cousin realized that she was high and figured out that I was too. Her husband and her went back to my friends house and told me to go with her, she told us that she disappointed in us, and told us she couldn't trust us to be alone. When we got to her home I was so tired I feel asleep. I should have staid up, but I didn't it, and they all left to buy groceries, they all left, except Jason my loving uncle, I woke up to him on top of me. I was so tired and groggy I didn't know what to do. He was kissing me and telling me how beautiful I was. Then dragged me to the restroom, where he took off my short, bend me over and began to us me. I couldn't stop crying and yelling it just hurt so much I didn't know what to do to make him stop. I couldn't believe he was doing this to me. After he finished, he pushed me out of the restroom half naked telling me to shut and go back to the room. I didn't say anything to my cousin when they got back. I should have though, that was only the first time. He did this for 2 and half years. I was fourteen, I was living in hell for all those years. I could still smell, I could even taste him sometimes. I can't get him out of my head, I don't know why I didn't say anything then. I lived with them for those years, my parents weren't around, and my cousin thought it would me best for my sister and I to move in with her, and her family, which included my uncle. When I finally left, and meet my husband I realized now that what he did to me was not my fault, I was fourteen and he was twenty-five. I live with this every day, my husband helps in so many ways. But I don't know why I can't stop crying sometimes, I can't stop feeling him on top of me sometimes, I hate his smell, that I just can't forget it.

Anita

California

 

I hope for you love and to experience it in its fullness and that starts within yourself. Connect with a supportive community that will assist you in your full healing and change.

Here is a reference that will be very, very, very, very helpful. "Cunt" by Inga Muscio.. " a declaration of independence." Inga does a wonderful work in her book, her passion is very evident. She provides many resources to empower you to be the woman you were always meant to be which includes all of your past and what you are now and where you want to be. In love I urge you to ground yourself in love and avail yourself of this incredible resource.

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Cunt/Inga-Muscio/e/9781580050753/?itm=1

There is a chapter on rape which is so perfectly on target, every woman in this universe would do well to be informed.

Sincerely,

Joe

 

Hi,

Last month I was walking around downtown in my town and I didn’t know there was a curfew and I didn’t relize how that night could have been the worst night of my life ( thank god it wasn’t) but anyway I was taken in by the police because I was out past curfew but they wouldn’t take me and my friend back to the house we were staying at and they didn’t tell us the whole truth why. But they told my dad that they saw some people following us and in was midnight thirty by then but they told me I have to go to court and tell the judge why I was out past curfew and my dad wants me t wright a term paper on rape and what could of happened that night. But I was wondering if you could help me I have to wright about a victim and I have to tell about the sufferings of that person of the family and friends and the community and I was wondering if icould wright about you and if not can you tell me about the suffering mental and emotional problems that happen afterward. I really need help because I don’t know. I have court on Monday the 6 and I am very behind on this and I desperately need help please please reply.

 

 

I read ur story and i feel sorry for u, i think that guy should be castrated, if u cant control something then they shouldnt have it simple as that. I believe our culture is playing a huge part nowadays with this issue, porn is possibly one major factor, but i think there are others aswell. There definately needs to be more education on this subject, i suspect this kinda thing would rarely cross most peoples minds. I believe the guy didnt fully realise what he was doing to u. Just like 99% of the other perpetraitors. This is why education is needed on this subject. As 1 in 3 women suffer an act such as this in there lifetime.

Dear Kerstin,

I was "date" raped nearly 18 years ago and I can honestly say it surprises me how much that one incident still affects my life. I had a nurse once ask me when I broke down about it, "Well that was nearly ten years ago, does it still really affect you that much?" I've had two people close to me recently tell me they don't basically consider it a rape because I was drinking at the time. And now I think my rapist is stalking me.

I was just over fourteen when it happened and had just had my first kiss. I broke up with that boyfriend because the thought of having to kiss him again scared me so much:) Anyway, I went to a wedding reception with my best friend and was left in her mother's care. This guy from my school, an upperclassman, started paying all this attention to me. I couldn't believe it because he was 17, a football and hockey player, very popular and extremely good looking. He started sneaking us beer. It was my first time drinking. I wasn't drunk, but my mind was definitely buzzing.

We ended up in his car. He drove us to my friend's empty house, drunk and speeding like crazy on the curvy road that leads into our small town. Then he kissed me after we'd parked. I'd never been kissed like that and I didn't want it to end. I remember thinking he's going to be my boyfriend. I couldn't believe my luck. That's how naive I was.

He came into the house with us, took me by the hand, and led me upstairs to a bedroom. I was scared, but also excited. I thought maybe we would kiss some more, maybe I'd even let him get to second base. My freshmen year of high school I weighed 98 pounds. He was probably twice that big. We were kissing when he started moving fast, tugging at my underwear. I was shocked and scared. I pulled them back up and told him no. He got angry. I honestly don't know how he did it but he put his whole weight on top of me. With one hand, he held both my wrists together above my head so I couldn't move and with his other hand he pulled down my underpants and undid his pants. It happened so fast, in seconds. I remember begging him to please stop. Then he was inside me and it was incredibly painful, then I felt nothing. I was numb. It was just like you described. I didn't think to scream. I couldn't fight back. It was over so quickly. After, he just got off and started pulling his pants back up. I felt like someone had killed me. I can't even describe how it felt. He actually looked at me and said, kind of laughing, "Did you like that?"

The rape wasn't the worst of it. I had to face him in school. He told everyone I'd put out. He even told people he forced me. This was in 1985, before there was even such a word as date rape - I think it was two years before 60 minutes coined the word. I remember watching that program to this day. At school, girls wrote "Missie is a slut" in the school bathroom. I had one girl call me and threaten to beat me up. Upperclassman guys were coming up to me, asking what happened. Everyone knew. I was very shy.

I never talked to a soul about it, not my friend who was in the house at the time, my parents, my sisters or brothers, nobody. I quit every extra-curricular activity I was in and even quit going to friends' houses. After school, which felt like a nightmare, I came home and went straight to my bedroom. I'd come down for dinner, then go straight back up for the rest of the night.

Then, about six months after, something changed. I met a nice boy and we started a relationship, more of a friendship, really. I started going to school activities again. I decided I wasn't going to let what that asshole did to me ruin my life or even the rest of my time in high school. I decided it wasn't my fault.

I did pretty well after that, but I still hadn't talked to anyone about it. I pretty much acted like it didn't happen. All that caught up to me later, in my sexual activities. And in other ways, I was lost. One day in college, I had a girl I'd just met tell me she had been raped. She told me just out of the blue. She described it and it sounded a lot like what I'd been through. That was the start of my grieving process - I guess you could call it a healing process. I went through self-blame, anger, sadness, the works and came out of it feeling like I was pretty healthy about the whole thing. I've since had intensive counseling. For the past several years, I felt like I'd come to my own terms about it.

Then, earlier this year, I went home to stay with my mom while my dad was in the hospital. I still go to my hometown to visit a lot. It's a tiny town with just 800 people. The person who raped me lives two blocks down from my parents with his wife and two sons. It seems like I see him every single time I go home. Usually, it would just be in passing. But that one time, I was either running into him or his father at the grocery store or wherever at least once a day for an entire week. It was purposeful.

A few years back I told an old friend who still lives in the area about the rape and I think it got back to him somehow. She was telling me about another time he tried to force a mutual friend of ours into giving him a blow job. When she fought back, he kicked her out of his car in the middle of nowhere. Literally, he kicked her in the stomach, opened the door, pushed her out and left her there.

Anyway, I think it got back to him that I used the word "rape." I'm just guessing, but that's my gut instinct. Now it feels as if they're stalking me. A couple weeks ago, my husband and I had to walk past him and he flipped me off behind my husband's back. Last week when I was there, I took my daughter to the park. A car came screeching to a halt right by us, almost running off the road. I then saw a woman call someone on the cell phone. The guy who raped me works for the village now and not two seconds later, the village truck pulled up on the street next to the park and just sat there the entire time I was watching my daughter play. I am trying to ignore it but I'm growing worried about my safety and my parents. Although, I think they're just trying to intimidate me, I dread going home to visit my parents. They're elderly and all I want is to be able to visit them in peace. If he is trying to intimidate me, it's working. I feel like I'm right back in a nightmare again. I like to take walks when I go there, it's a beautiful place surrounded by water, but now it's ruined. I can't walk without constantly being worried. I've taken to carrying a jackknife when I go back there. I'm the same as you. I swear, I'll fight him to my death if it comes to that.

I have faith and I'm praying about it. I don't know what else to do. God has gotten me through this far. I look back at that time in my life and I know I couldn't have made it those first few months without the Lord. Whatever strength I had, for as young as I was, came from Him. There's only one set of footprints back there!

I just want to thank you for letting me share my story. It helped to get it out. Thanks so much for sharing your story. You are extremely brave and you don't even know how many people you are helping.

To anyone who has been raped, you will survive. Kerstin is right, God is good.

Many Blessings,

Melissa from Michigan

 

 

As a rape victim and woman who has been abused in every way, I must tell you others out there that you are NOT alone and it was NOT your fault.

Get some help, let yourself be helped...Rain

 

 

Sweetlady:

Hi. My name is Michael, and I have to admit I feel guilty having read about what happened to you because I'm merely doing research on this uncomfortable subject. I just want to let you know there was no indifference as I read your story (and the stories of others I have heard first-hand), as I was repulsed and sickened by it, as I always am. What you've done here is fabulous, and it serves as a tribute of how special of a person you are! I was so upset to read about the "justice" that was meted out; it's just unfathomable that this subhuman scum was not reprimanded considering the evidence. Being the vengeful type, there's not a fate worse enough for the person that did this, or those who continue to do so; but you've handled this so well, so that you're past the point of this, and will continue on and help others, which is beyond noble!! Enormous love to you, your family, and all others who've had a similar experience or experiences!

Michael

 

 

The only way u can move forward is if u put the past behind u, im sure its hard but its the only way. I dont know what its like but ive been through a fair bit of emotion, u gotta keep ur mind focused and whenever u start thinking of anything to do with that event distract ur mind instantly with something positive. Or focus on a hobby like painting, but u gotta keep those thoughts behind. Another thing would be to get rid of anything that reminds u of that day, just throw it away, or hide it somewhere if u need it for sentimental value, whether its a photo or a piece of clothing. When ur around friends i wouldnt talk about this unless u have to get it off ur chest, i would stick to familly members for that.

U have to regain control of ur mind, what u pay attention to, is what u become concious of. Stop paying attention to some wanker who cant control his own body, hes not worth it. U have to live your life, not his. There are always people worse off than u. U just have to move on with ur life it will be hard but theres always light at the end of the tunnel. Where theres a will theres a way, but no matter what people tell u and what advice they give only u can find it through urself. All other people can do is guide u.

This might seem harsh, but dont take it that way, just think what he did was nothing. Its not such a big deal, ur still alive, u have a child, u have a house i bet, u have money (maybe), ur not in the middle of a warzone when any minute a bomb could blast through ur house.

Because the more u concerntrate on what that guy did that was so terribly torturous, the more it will effect u and stay with u. If u think about it, it was only a piece of flesh inside u, i know this seems demeening but this is for the best.

I know how it feels like to not be able to trust any1, its hard.

i hope u can move on. good luck,

David

 

 

 

heyyy

i am so sorry about what happened

i am a victim of rape myself and know how ir

feels. stay strong and seek help when u need

it honey. lifew will get better in time...

tash .x

 

 

Hi,

Im 15 years old and on December 14, 2007 I was raped by my 17 year old boyfriend at school. My life has changed dramatically! Although it's been a little over 5 months I still feel horrible. I haven't talked to anyone because I feel like I should be over it by now, but im definitely not! I still have nightmares and i yell in my sleep for him to stop and tell him no. My case was dropped for lack of evidence but I swear I didn't "want it". My principal was nice enough to tell as much as the staff as he could as well that i'm a liar. Im sorry for putting this all on you when i don't even know you but I thought you could maybe help me. If so great! If not thats ok too.

Thanks for your time,

Mikala

It is VERY frustrating! I hate how I feel all the time...HORRIBLE and yes guilty. I know it's not my fault but I just keep thinking I could have probably done something I just NEVER thought he would take it so far. When I said no he usually stopped. When I reported it that day someone from the coallition came to the hospital and at that time I really wasn't up to talking, and i'm still not really up for it I just want to get better. I don't feel like myself at all anymore! Im afraid to talk to my mom because I dont want her to get mad at me plus I feel really awkward. My best friends who if it wasn't for them I would still be with Him (they are the ones who told me what he was doing was wrong because I just couldn't see it) just don't understand. They try but it really doesn't help. He just graduated and I thought that would help but it really hasn't. Thanks for talking to me!!! I REALLY appreciate it!!!!!!

 

Umm ok well honestly I wasn't looking for your page but im glad i found it i am 16 years old and a female when i was 7 years old i was sexually molested by NOW my mothers ex boyfriend, when i was 14 my uncle whom i thought of as a father hit on me and tried to have sexual relations with me last October i tryed killing myself with overdose and i was sent to a kind of rehabilitation center and placed in counceling everything still wouldnt go away but yet i still tryed to keep my hopes up and learn to make the best of life hangout out with old and new friends and do normal activities then it happened again just a few months ago an aqueintince of mine forced himself upon me and raped me at his friends home i am still trying to deal with the trauma again..i guess what i was looking for was maybe someone with the same situations and problems to talk to and to tell you i love this site and everything you are doing.

Thank you very much for repleying to my message it really does mean alot to know that there is other people out there that have the same problems! even though i do wish no one had to deal with this kind of pain and it isnt something ANYONE should have to go threw and deal with ever. it is very painful but it has really opened my eyes to the world and i have realized who are true friends and who really care about me and that the world isnt as safe as i thought it was. i am the kind of person that likes to find good in EVERYTHING that happens it has been very difficult for me to find any good in this and all my problems but i will one day figure out how to help the world , you always here about people that have been sexually hurt wanting to help others that have been but i would also love to help people that feel the urge to do something like rapeing or molesting someone and try to prevent them from doing things like that to anyone because like i said no body deserves that! thank you for takeing the time to reply to my message and thank you for makeing that page and all the information you have provided.

 

 

My self I am a survivor and it has taken 30 years to overcome and face it head on in able my self to live again. Now, My 13 yr daughter my baby was raped and no one is doing so a damn thing I am about ready to blow my top. I need help she has just excepted it as it was her fault!

My ex-husband has the children due to an atteptemed suicide. She is not getting the help she needs and NO ONE GIVES A S@$#! I can not let this just go by the way side. The 18 yrs old is a pedophile and the 16 yr old was along for the ride.

Makes me so sick, PLEASE, I LIVE IN COLORADO AND NEED HELP I WANT JUSTICE AND I WANT IT NOW! THEY WILL JUST KEEP DOING THIS OVER AND OVER! PLEASE HELP SOME HOW IF YOU KNOW PEOPLE TO HELP SOME THING I AM BEGGING.

PAMELA & MELISSA

 

 

 

Renee, May 8th 2009
 
I want to thank you for taking the time to set up your webpage. You have no idea how much it does help, to know that Im not alone.
But that is what Im feeling....very alone.
 
Im 36 years old.  When I was 15 year old and I was a huge party.  I was drinking wine and a guy (I barely knew), but the "date rape" drug in my drink.  Once I became dizzy, he carried me out to his truck. Most everyone was intoxicated and did not even realize what was going on, so there was no one to help save me from him.  One guy did notice that I was intoxicated and tried get me out of the truck, but my attacker harshly told him to leave, and he did.
I must have passed out when I got to his truck, because the next thing I remember is coming to laying down in his truck while he was performing oral sex on me.  We were in the middle of the woods.  I kicked him, and was able to get out of the truck, and start running through the woods.  He was chasing me, and I hit a tree and fell backwards landing on my back. He grabbed me by one arm and my hair and drug me back to the truck.
I passed back out. 
The next thing I knew I woke up on the floor of his apartment completely naked under a blanket. I look up and him, his unkle, and his father were sitting on the couch right behind me.  I grabbed the blanket & my clothes, went to the bathroom put my clothes on and left without saying a word to them. They were just staring at me.
I never told my anyone, did not report it. I felt that it was my fault, as I was at a party drinking alcohol.
Years later I did tell my husband who also knew my attacker, but we had not seen him in several years.
 
I am 36 years old now.  1 1/2 years ago I started having the same 3 nightmares over & over again of things that occurred during the time I thought I was passed out.  Everynight I was waking up screaming with terror as I had vivid nightmares of being raped my the attacker, his uncle, and his dad.  I was held down and repetedly raped throughout the night.
All these years I never remembered any of this, so in my head I was telling myself it was just a nightmare it couldnt be true.
I finally told my husband what the nightmares were on a night I woke up screaming, and he immediatly took me next door to our neighbor, a pyscologist, who I sought treatment with for several months.  I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder and was told that my nightmares were true suppressed memories of the night of the attack.
I am taking Paxil and Xanax, and I thought I was doing better.  The treatment was working.  Then she moved out of the state.
 
2 months ago the nightmares started up again, and are more extreme and vivid and more memories.  I am so scared, and emotionally messed up and cant even confide in my husband. I dont want to tell him what I dream. I feel tainted, and damaged. I am always tired, or getting sick, and basically doing anything I can to block the memories out.  I have missed a lot of work from being sick. Im afraid to get fired. Im just totally lost.  I dont want to go to another psycologist because I would have to retell the story again, and I cant bring myself to do that. 
I have confided in 2 people (my best friend and my cousin) and I couldnt even tell them the details. They dont know how severly this is effecting my everyday.  I am in termoile.
 
Im not sure how to get threw this. Everynight I go to sleep and have continuous horrible nightmares and wake up every morning feeling like I have just been raped.  It is to the point were I am trying not to go to sleep.
If someone is out there that can help me, please let me know. 
 
Thank you for listening.

Mandy 5/13/09
 
My name is Amanda. I am currently a sophomore in college and was raped in the beginning of 8th grade. I was 13 years old when it happened. I didn't know the boy, but it was an assigned partners project for school. I played basketball so we had to work on the project outside of school. My mom dropped me off at his house where he beat me, sliced my neck with a knife, chocked me, held me by my throat out a second story window, tied me up, and raped me. It has been a very traumatic experience however I am becoming stronger day by day. I know that it could have been worse, but that doesn't change the fact that that happened. I recently had gotten taken advantage of in college, passed out and woke up with him finishing. I did not let the same thing go unreported twice (the first attacker killed himself after he made me date him and repeatedly beat and raped me). Your site helps a lot and the facts are nice to see. They remind me I am not alone. Thank you for all the hard work you did to create the site! <3

Angela, 10/12/08

Hello. I am a 34 year old mother of 2 beautiful girls. When I was 19 I was in the US ARMY. I was in Alaska a very long way from my family. My unit had been in the field for a month and so everybody was excited to be back home. I lived in the barracks. Well about 9 pm my roommate had left to go out and party. I was the youngest person in my entire unit. Well at 9:30 pm that evening I was in bed getting ready to watch a movie. I had showered early. It is very boring being the only person under 21. Well there was a knock at my door, I went and opened the door and was surprised to see one of my friends boyfriend standing out there in the hallway. He had another man I didn't know with him. I asked him what he was doing here and he told me that he and his girlfriend had gotten into an arguement and he decided to come and stay in his room in the barracks. He invited his friend over to watch a movie. He knew my roommate and I had an extensive collection of movies and he wondered if he could borrow one. I told him as long as he brought it back. He said he would. I opened the door and let him and his friend in. They went into the room and around the wall lockers my roommate and I had set up in front of the door. When I turned the corner Howie's (my friends boyfriend) grabbed me around my waist and picked me up and put his hand over my mouth. I was 5'7" and weighed 120 lbs. Howie was around 6'3" and 220 lbs or so and his friend was a little bigger than that. Well when he grabbed me i screamed and tried to get away. He was very strong. Well Howie then walked up to me and punched me hard in the face stunning me. He said "shut-up and you will be ok". His friend kept his grip on me and then took me over to my roommates bed and threw me down. I tried to jump up but he pushed me down and layed on top of me. He pushed my face into the bed til I couldn't breathe. I stopped fighting then. He got off of me and flipped me over on my back. I had on a nightgown and panties. I jumped up again and again I was punched in my face. i felt my lips split open. Howie's friend then grabbed my arms and put them above my head and then he sat on my arms with his knees. I could not get away then. Howie then came over and ripped my panties off and pushed my gown up and started to fondle my breasts. I was terrified. He said if I shut-up he wouldn't punch me again. I stared at him not saying anything. He then took his pants off and layed on top of me and then he raped me while his friend held me down. When he finished he got off of me and told his friend it was his turn. When his friend got off my arms I jumped up and actually got on my feet before he grabbed me by the back of my hair and yanked me back on the bed asking me where I thought I was going. Howie then held my arms while his friend pulled his pants down and raped me. When he was throughHowie let my arms go. I just layed there. i didn't move. Howie and his friend got dressed and Howie thanks for the fun night. They both laughed and left the room. I was very sore and had no strength. I didn't move I just pulled her blanket over me. I stayed like that until my roommate came home. When she opened the door she asked me what I was doing in her bed. I pulled the cover down and she saw blood everywhere and freaked out. She asked me what happened and I guess I was in shock. I told her that nothing had happened. She just layed beside me and started to cry. She called the CQ and they called the MP's. I was taken to the hospital where I received 6 stitches in my lips and several more stitches down "there". Howie and his friend were very rough with me and largely endowed. When I was asked by the MP's if I knew who my attackers were. When I told them Howie's name I knew that nothing would be done cause he is a well known person on the base. Nothing was done to him and his friend. I started drinking then and did not care about anything after that for a long time. I ended up being pregnant from that night and I fortunatly had a miscarriage. I had to have surgery because of the miscarriage. Howie was in my unit and I saw him all the time. Nothing was ever done. About 4 years later when I was stationed at Ft. Bragg, NC the CID (criminal investigation division) opened up a case against my attackers. I don't know who told the military officials about my rape, but someone did. Howie had been questioned and said he did not rape me only that he made me perform oral sex on him and his friend. The investigator did not believe him and Howie was dumb because it is against the law to do that too. I guess he thought if he said he didn't penetrate me with his penis in my vagina he would not get into too much trouble. Well the investigator had also questioned my roommate and the CQ that night. They confirmed what I said. He was convicted of rape his friend was also convicted of rape, and my commander was also convicted of not reporting the rape. They were all given dishonorable discharges. No jail time. It took 4 and a half years for something to be done. Thank you for listening to my story.

Angela

 

Michael, 06/25/08

Sweetlady:

Hi. My name is Michael, and I have to admit I feel guilty having read about what happened to you because I'm merely doing research on this uncomfortable subject. I just want to let you know there was no indifference as I read your story (and the stories of others I have heard first-hand), as I was repulsed and sickened by it, as I always am. What you've done here is fabulous, and it serves as a tribute of how special of a person you are! I was so upset to read about the "justice" that was meted out; it's just unfathomable that this subhuman scum was not reprimanded considering the evidence. Being the vengeful type, there's not a fate worse enough for the person that did this, or those who continue to do so; but you've handled this so well, so that you're past the point of this, and will continue on and help others, which is beyond noble!! Enormous love to you, your family, and all others who've had a similar experience or experiences!

Michael

Lacey, 3/15/09

Your story really inspired me and it brought me to realize that being raped is really not your fault and nothing to be ashamed of. I am 15 and in november i too was raped. At a very crowded, out of control house party i began to feel very weird and uncomfortable and after making my desicion to leave , i made the terrible mistake of walking home alone while intoxicated without letting anyone know. Soon after leaving, i knew something was wrong and i could feel my body getting heavier and things appearing different than usual. I was then aproached by a man who held me as i began to lose contiousness. I woke up a while later, not to sure of my surroundings. i had been undressed and i was still unable to move to my full ability. My phone was not in sight and i would continuously doze off then re-awaken to a man there infront of me. At first he would just stare, then touch and rub but minutes passed and he took off his clothes. I knew what was going to happen, but i was helpless. He began trying to kiss me on my face, then neck and then he began to suck my breasts. I tried to scream, I tried to fight back but at every attempt i was hit across the face. I could feel him inside me pushing harder with every thrust, all i did was cry. I continued to pass out, then re-awaken to a stranger raping me. The pain was unexplainable and only got worse as hours passed. I later woke up to find myself alone, the night had ended. After immediatly contacting my parents, who immediatly contacted the police i was sent to the hospital. Everyone was staring at me in the emergency room, i wondered what i looked like. I had no broken bones, only a handful of bruises and scrapes covering my body, and thankfuly i was not pregnant. But one thing i was not thankful for, was that the man who had raped me had not been caught, and to this day he could still be out there doing the same things to other girls just like me. I have been getting through this situation with help from the people i love including my boyfriend who has been there through it all. It took me three monthes just to go out with my friends again, and when i do i refuse to drink. This event has really changed me, but when i think about it ; in a positive way. I have been getting involved with rape crisis centers and sharing my story with other girls. Even though i am only 15, i know my story can make a difference- just like yours has. Thank you for listening

Maritza, 03/16/09

As I read your story there were a lot of similarities to mine. I was attacked by two men, men that I met through other friends. I feel that I was drugged. I came in and out a little but some things were very clear. I had to go to work the next day too and did the same as you however I did not report until a week later and only because I had two incidents where I had bleeding and that really scared me. I called the rape crisis center at that time and she walked me through what I should do. I finally built up the courage to go to ER where I stood in the waiting room for at least 25 minutes to tell the person behind the glass what had happened to me. I didn’t want anyone to hear what I was saying.

That day when I got off work I called one of the guys and I asked him what happened? I totally blacked out. He laughed a little and he says, "well I don’t know you and I were in the room and I stepped out to get a bite and when I came back, so and so had your legs up in the air going down on you." I said WHAT!!!! No way…..I wanted nothing to do with him. I do NOT remember that he laughed again and said yeah that’s what was happening when I returned to the room. I told him to stop right there don’t tell me another thing…..I’m gonna throw up!!!

This incident went on for at least 4 to 5 hours.

After talking to the detectives for 8 hours and calling one of the guys to see if he would say anything about the other guy who I wanted nothing to do with that I had no case because there was no semen in me. Today I found the detectives never submitted my case to the DA’s office…..all this time I thought it was in the DA’s hands.

I am sooooo mad that I going to battle and I going to fight harder for me!!@!!@

 

Dorothy, 3/20/09

Hi just call me dorothy ive read your story...
im from the Philippines, 18 years old..
Im really confused of my life right now!!
I dont know what to do!! my brother has raped me for more than 10 years
and i just kept it for along time...
so now!!! my life seems to be so scattered and i dont know what to do...
I never had dreams and Im so lost...
I really need help, its been a long time since Ive kept it but I cant take this anymore..
I want to change my life for good... I wanna start something new..
I havent told anybody yet even my parents...
Im afraid of the things that might happend if they found out..
I dont want to ruin my family aswell...
Its as if my life has no direction.. help me please... HELP

Melissa, 03/24/09

hello,

your story made me open my eyes and see that it really isnt the victims fault. I am 17 and im a junior in high school actually. I was raped when i was a Freshman. Still to this day i think about it, and i wonder why me? Why anyone? Why would any human being do that to someone? I did get justice though, but that wasnt enough. I still think about it, i get nervous alot around guys....cause i wonder if all of them are the same. You really made me open my eyes and know that it does get better in time and that its not your fault. I know what you went through, my story is alot like yours. thank you for opening my eyes

Yours,

Melissa

Kristen, 05/17/09

I am really proud of you for being strong enough to tell your story (even in details). I, unfortunately, am not yet strong enough to tell my story in details just yet. I was molested between the ages of 5 and 7, and luckily, the asshole has been out of my life. I'm sure the abuse would have continued if my mother had not divorced him. She never knew about the abuse until I was 16. I am now 17, and things are still hard. It's nowhere near as bad as it was before, but it still affects me in so many ways at times. I will tell you more about it (and more) when you respond (that is, if you have the time to do so).

♥/Kristen

Michelle, 06/10/09

I just wanted to sign your guestbook. I would say that I think that one of the things that has had the greatest influence on my life would be the first time I was sexually assaulted. And I think it is hard for most people to understand who haven't experienced it. I feel like when we are young things most easily leave there impression on us. For me I am looking into getting help now because for a long time I was in denial, but I can't function properly so I know that I need help. I would say for me my biggest problem is I cannot trust anyone. I told a friend of mine recently sometimes I can't even trust myself. I am writing a bit about some of my experiences as well as others in a book collection that I hope will be published one day. Me I was sexually assaulted several times and raped once between the age of 9-17, well the first time was a few months before my 10th birthday. I would agree with you that we do need to educate the public and show teach them that sexual assault is not just a slap on the wrist because I have had people tell me why are you making such a big deal out of nothing or your just acting like a baby you should because he didn't rape you and I know I am not alone and I was not the only person told things like this. In my eyes it doesn't matter if it is sexual assault or rape it is wrong it takes away from a person having someone do something that you do not want done to you, it's not only physical, but emotional as well. Part of the problem I have as well is with how other people dealt with it or handled it. I had someone who was suppose to be my best friend for years go around and tell people stuff like I don't know why all this stuff is always happening to Michelle she must have done something and other remarks like this that for me makes it hard for me to trust males or females. Like now I don't really have a tight relationship with anyone because I can't trust people, and it's not that I do not want to I just am afraid to. Afraid that they will do something to hurt me. I am looking forward to the future, to having a future that is not dominated by things of my past.

Katie, 07/16/09

Hi, my name is Katie. I have not been personally raped, but a good friend of mine opened up and told me about her own sexual harassment story. She was sexually abused by her 3 brothers when se was 7-12. When I heard her story, I was unsure of how to handle it. I am in high school and so is she. I do not know what to do, and if you have anything that could help me help her, I would be grateful. Oh, and I already told my mom, and she is wondering too.
Thanks in advance...

Alanna, 07/28/09

My dear Sweetlady,

Wow, your site has moved me to tears! I'm writing a novel about a 16-year-old boy who gets raped by his school bully, and your site has been a great source of information on the kind of feelings that rape victims go through. I've never been raped, but I've been sexually molested, which is just as bad. I do understand the feelings of unworthiness, of guilt, and shame that you went through. I spent a long time thinking that if only I had more worth as a human being, if only I wasn't me, then I wouldn't had gone through being molested. The best advice you can give the world is "If you are still alive, you've done something right!" After reading those words, I'm very glad to be alive today. Thanks to you and your wonderful site, I feel like a warrior, a survivor. There's nothing stronger and more beautiful than the human spirit. Yours is remarkable beyond belief.

I pray that you are blessed throughout every day of your life, that the godforce gives your strength and love in everything that you do. I applaud you for putting together such an amazing site that has touched the lives of many.

Lovingly yours,
Alanna Johnson

Wendy, 07/29/09

July 29, 2009

I was a runner. I ran away from my messed up home life and ran from the group home I was placed in. I even ran back home while my parents were on vacation. I wasn't even hitchhiking when someone in a van pulled up asking directions to the fair. Cool, fair, I thought. I got in and lead them to where I thought it might be. It was at the Mall parking lot in my home town. The guys had friends there. I winked at one cute guy named Troy . He asked how old I was and I lied and said I was 16 (I was only 14). Troy and I flirted with each other for a while, while other men looked on. I was promised a ride when they finished setting up. Troy wanted to know if I wanted to go back to the van while I waited. I knew what he wanted and I felt good to be liked or wanted. The problem was- is that they all wanted me and I didn't want all them. The drive from hell took what little innocence I had left. I thought I was going to die, be murdered, and be left for dead in some ditch after they defiled me in every hole they could.

The van stopped in front of a hotel where more of their friends were staying- they were going to get more men! Somehow, while they were distracted, I managed to pull up my underwear that still clung to one leg. Troy saw me running out and grabbed my arm, spinning me around. "What about my turn?" He said and then laughed. I pulled away and dashed behind houses. I could hear them running after me. I held my breath after one walked close by me as I was hiding under someone's porch. I was sure he could hear my heart beating so fast.

Eventually, I came out and walked home in what was left of my clothes- a ripped shirt and underwear. I was sure my legs were glowing in the dark with the amount of fluid the guys had left behind, and the redness of my thighs as they rubbed. I felt so dirty inside and out.

I still feel like my dad was never there for me. During my teenage years he became busier outside of the family after my mom had her stroke. After I was raped, they got a hold of him and my family came back from vacation. I wanted to be held and told that it would be okay. I wanted my dad to be angry with 'those guys'. I wanted him to demand that I come with him, despite that I was grounded. After all, I was his child right?

My mom couldn't stop crying and I was the one that was reassuring her that I was okay. Why do I always have to be the strong one? I want to be held and told that everything will be okay! I learned much later as an adult that the group home thought I might be making up the whole situation so that I would be allowed to return and not get kicked out. At first they believed me but I down played the events with the police because I was sure that 'those guys' would hunt me down and finish me off. I didn't want to prosecute at that time; I just wanted ...I don't know what I wanted. I think in my mind I was thinking that most of it wasn't so bad. I needed to be the strong one, be tough, no one can hurt me. But they did, deeply on July 29, 1985, 24 years ago.

What happened to my life? I was surely going downhill fast.

I buried much of the feelings and tried to pick up the pieces. I was beginning to self mutilate myself as if I was punishing myself. The pain on my arm felt crisp and took the focus off of the pain in my heart. I eventually recommitted my life to Christ and was doing okay with the support of my youth group.

In college I was again falling-drinking, drugs, etc. I had not had sex since I was raped until I met my husband. His roommates were constantly having sex and you could hear them. Gross. When Scott and I finally did do it, I could not sleep in the same bed. I would lie on the floor crying and shaking until the morning. Sometimes, he would notice and try to comfort me, knowing that I must have been hurt deeply by someone. I'm sure he knew I was messed up. The flashbacks were more frequent and again I thought that I had enough. I was going to 'run away' again. It was raining and Scott actually came after me. I wanted to go back with him, but I couldn't. I tried to hide and shake him off, but he was persistent. He did not give up on me. I started cutting again, hiding it so no one would see. I married him over 15 years ago and now have 3 beautiful children. My marriage has had it's ups and downs.

(Some days it seems like it was yesterday! Typing that day out just made me cringe! I have tried to avoid writing this date, avoided sex; or had lots of sex; I have even called in sick to work. I curse that day! No one remembers, no one cares, I should just get over it, but I can't. It's like a huge tumor that if removed would kill the patient. I have tried to rip it out but it is attached so deep, so intertwined that to pull it out would kill off part of my spirit. I can feel my stomach turning as I write this.)

How could I ever forgive them? I came to a realization several years back, that when Christ died for our sins it was before we had sinned. I came to realize that Jesus died for their sins too, even before they did it. I figured if He could forgive them, then I could forgive them through him. If that makes sense.

There was a sort of the window in the back of the van – a square caught between two rectangles. I distanced my mind from what was happening to my body by looking out the window. Even though I knew my town like the back of my hand, I did not know where I was going. Everything was a blur-some trees, sky, streetlights, housetops, etc. Somewhere out there was God. Where are you? Sometime later when the nightmares started I could visualize my spirit escaping through the windows and floating into the air above the van. I could see seven demons trying to claw through the roof of the van. I couldn't say anything. Things got caught in my throat.

A few years back I recalled the same nightmare but this time I drifted a little higher into the sky and saw seven angels frantically flying fast toward the van. When the seven demons tried to claw into the van they were distracted by the seven angels coming to fight for me. Each being was paired off in a vicious fight. The demons were bigger but shorter and seemed more monstrous than before. I would wake up just as the fight broke out, never knowing who won.

Not too long ago I had the same nightmare with the demons clawing and then the angels coming. This time I drifted further into the sky still looking at the van with me inside. I am being held like a child. God was holding on to me tight, but gentle like a little child, comforting my spirit. He seemed to be pointing out what was going on while I was on his lap, reassuring me that everything will be okay. I couldn't hear what he was saying, but he was ministering to my spirit. I could now see past this incident as God was showing me my life line and that 'that incident' is so small on the scale and he has so much more good things to show me. That there is glory coming. He is going to use me, I sense it.

The bible tells us that when a man and women join together the two shall become one. Well, If I have slept with others or raped by others then I joined with them, so a piece of me went with them. I asked God for those pieces back.

Isaiah 43:6 says 'Give them up!' and 'Do not hold them back.' I'm crying and feeling over whelmed. "Give them up!' makes me think of a prisoner or someone who was kidnapped, or something stolen. Whoa! There it is. Psalm 31:5 "Into Your hand I commit my spirit; You have ransomed me, O Lord, God of truth." There is a battle for my soul and I can see it now. Satan Is trying to 'hold me back'. GIVE ME UP! I HAVE BEEN RANSOMED BY THE BLOOD OF CHRIST! God wants to set us free.

Healing is a long journey for me, and That moment isn't always on my mind. It was today because it is the anniversary of the rape. The guilt, shame, the burden, my rebellion, and the feeling of abandonment were so strong at first. I realized I am my own worst enemy with my negative self talk. Conselling helped in the beginning, but God is healing me slowly but surely. Thank you for allowing me to write this out and share it. Wendy

Nikkie, 08/20/09


It's been about three months since my attack. & since the moment i've realized what has happened, i've hated myself for it. I've worked so hard to earn my basketball scholarship, and i always concentrated completely on my academics. Basketball, school, and friends, it was the life. In about a week i will be returning back to campus to start my sophmore year. I'm terrified to go back, i've been living in fear because of a guy. A guy i had trusted, who i was comfortable with and believed in, he did this to me. the morning after, i retrieved to get the morning after pill, i didnt speak or even look at anyone. Till a good friend of mine kept bothering me and pesturing me, "Whats wrong" i told him everything. Truth is i hadnt planned on telling or talking to anyone who hadnt known what has happened, but he told me "what if this happened to one of your sisters" that was all the conviencing i had needed.
It was a typical college party, all my friends, everyone was there. Admittingly i had been drinking, i ended up passing out against the wall, in the same room where 20 of my other friends were. He had carried me up the stairs, asuring everyone that he was just putting me to bed. i remember the top of my toes scraping against the carpet has my legs lingered while he carried me holding my whole upper body.
I screamed and cried, someone had to of heard me, i just know it! No one ever came, no one ever helped me. 3 times it happened, after the first time i was about struggle free, yet repeated the word no, constantly.
The last month of school, i left and went back home, struggling to keep my grades up i turned all homework in from email, my 4.0 dropped to a 3.0. The only person i talk to about this is myself, i created a journal with my deepest darkest fears. So far, i've been holding myself together quit well, no one has ever imagined or second guessed i could possibly be hurting. The four sport athelete, the prom queen, the scholar winner... i hate the lables, but the truth is we all go through the worse, people just never take into concideration how awful one's history trutly is. But i suppose thats not their issue.
I had been dating a guy for 5 years, and i was saving myself. Though i had been called the names, slut, whore, hoe.. all the hurtful things... it never bothered me, because i wasnt. i'll never be. i was saving myself for someone i was so sure about someone i wanted for the rest of my life. After all that time, after all the not giving into pure pressure and prideing myself off of being a virgin, it was still taken from me. I sleep with my door locked, every night. i wake up early every morning to unlock it just to avoid any questioning from the parents. i dont remember the last time i feel asleep before 3 am. The memories shake me, certain things terrify me.
Your site gave me some better understanding, i appreciate it. And am thankful for people like you.

 

Jamie, 1/3/09
 
(Note by Kerstin: I received from one of the girls that was with me that night!!!!)
 
Kerstin,
 
I really don't know what compelled me to send you this. I know a lot of time has passed, but I was thinking of you the other day and knew there was something I had to do. I want to apologize to you for not being a friend to you when you really needed it. I know it probably won't really mean much, considering everything that happened. All I can say is that people make mistakes and bad decisions. I was a completley different person back then and don't really think I liked myself very well. I do hope that this finds you in good sprits. Wish You all the best and God Bless.

Jamie

 09/13/09
From:
 
just signing your guestbook.  Mich.

 
Oct 6th 2009
 
I just wanted to let you know that your story has truly touched my heart. I have not been a victim of rape and cannot even fathom what you've been through.
 
I have so much respect for you and your decision to report the rape; that takes a lot of courage. You are a strong, beautiful, inspirational, and phenomenal woman. There is nothing I can say that will make what happened to you better, but I think it's shaped you into who you are today.
 
Thank you for sharing your story and keep spreading your positive energy. You are an inspiration for us all!
 
 
Alicia

GOD BLESS YOU